This article is inner child approved.

“How would you feel if you were punished for not reacting the way that person wanted you to react?”

Can We Please Stop Gaslighting Our Kids?

And I screenshot the bit about Gas Light because that’s fucking terrifying. I almost cried. Emotional day.

Continuing from an earlier post…
The same fucking person has just shared this

As a miserable person, I find it fucking hateful.
I’m sick of being told people won’t like me, and that I’m no fun, unless I love myself.
So easy to when I’m always being put down ey!
It’s shunning, it’s selfish, and it’s not enlightenment.
Why is the new wisdom being SELFISH and closed minded?

And this same fucking person, lately all I ever hear about her is “she lost her shit”, “she made someone cry”, “she yelled and screamed”, “she’s bullying me”.
You a miserable ol bitch.

Seriously this shit makes me sick.
What the fuck is positive about that?
If you have a different point of view, shut up.
If you feel bad, shut up.
But whoever shares this disturbingly common sentiment, are thinking of it through their self-centred perspective, probably something like “I don’t like people saying negative things to me or about my work because then I feel negative” well you fucking be quiet then.
Posts like these personally make me feel shit and are negative to me because I see people, or sometimes it’s me, constantly being called negative and being seriously fucking put down and cussed out over it by these “positive” people that want to live in lala land.
Comments these drips label as negative are often not rude at all, it’s more like “that’s not a real baby polar bear” and the response is “YOU MUST HATE BABIES TOO.”
Ugh. Anyway, hi.

I feel so sad and frustrated, frustrated with myself for never being satisfied or happy or appreciating anything.
You read a fucking self help guide and it’s all like just relax, just spend time with your family, etc.
But it’s not just that you have to be motivated to do those things in the first place, it’s that you have to enjoy them. And I feel like I don’t enjoy anything, and nothing holds any meaning for me. Maybe that’s just my state of mind right now because I feel bad right now. I know it’s all on me and I work myself up into this. But these are the feelings that feel true. And that trying to be any other way is a lie or a betrayal of how I feel if not who I am. Which is why I don’t want to see a therapist or talk to anybody. I imagine I’d just adamantly stand by my thoughts that there’s nothing for me in life because if I ever can do anything I still wouldn’t be happy, and eventually they’d even agree with me!
It’s all a joke.
I’m restless today and obviously I want something to do to distract me from my melodrama and the tense pain in my throat from wanting to cry, but I think I just couldn’t do anything without my thoughts intruding and wanting to crack the shits.
Ideally I’d do some kind of cleaning or exercise but everything just feels like an obstacle in the way of that and like I don’t even have a concept of how to go about either of those things.
I literally can’t think of a thing to do that I won’t resist and I hate just sitting here.

Accidentally lost all the notes on my iphone. Could cry.

I did actually really want to write another piece about vaccines or at least gather all my shit together for myself, because I had written some really good stuff and now there’d just no point trying because the thoughts aren’t there enough anymore. So yeah I needed those notes and without them it’s just like why even have thoughts!! I swear I was staring at the one I wanted to save right as it refreshed and disappeared …

I feel sad.
I don’t know how I got talked into this.
It seemed like a good idea, and I thought it’d just be easier and I’d be getting out of dads way looking for a house with my sister.
But recon immediately turned into moving furniture, even though I’d barely been there before thinking I just wanted to go home.
And that’s how I feel now, but now I’m practically moved in.
And yes, it’s exciting and my rooms nice and big.
And no I don’t really have a home to go back to, either way I would have been moving somewhere new and technically under someone elses roof because I have no means of supporting myself right now.
I still don’t want to live in some other mans house though, I don’t know why I let myself forget that.
Right now I’m thinking about how the toilet in this house is right next to the main bedroom, and the vivid memory of when it was like that with my parents in another house and I needed to pee so badly but didn’t want me to hear them having sex or them to hear me on the toilet, it was so upsetting I think I cried and was awake for hours in indecision. That’s how I feel now, except I don’t need to pee. It’s stupid, but that is making me think very strongly I don’t want to live here.
And it’s not fair to restrict someone else in their own home but I really don’t need to see some drunken (or not-drunken guy) guy all over my mother every week, it feels like it’s invading my personal space.
I don’t think he expects me to stay for more than a year and with what a useless person I am I just feel incapable of anything else, like I’ll just be an unwelcome thing in the house forever doing nothing good.
I just want my own place and my own transport and a job.
I can’t stand having more than one other person in the house now, I’m sure it used to comfort me when I was very little but hearing indistinct conversations in other rooms makes me feel uncomfortable and paranoid now.
It’d be stupid to move all my things back into another house that may not be “mine” for much longer…

Does anyone else when winter comes around stare at all the cotton t-shirts in their drawers and become freakin enraged because apparently you’re supposed to wear silk and wool… Yeah.
That shits expensive, too.
Ask my feet and their $13 a pair thermal socks that have a chance of fitting into exactly one of my pairs of shoes.

Ughh when i touch my nose behind my eyes hurt and they twitch…

I just want to give up.
Like I think I said the other day, which everyone ignores (well they probably can’t do anything about it but they could try), I might, MIGHT have time to clear my ears between now and information night / auditions, I can’t try to clear my ears while taking singing lessons / practicing for the auditions because it just draws my attention to the problem, but my ears hurt and everythings dull and it’s just becoming unbearable.
I’m freaking out and so miserable with it. Blocked nose on top of everything else. Spending two nights barely being able to breathe or sleep at all is so good for me.
I just want to stay home and do nothing. I want to stay home and BE ALONE so if I do want to do anything I can without the added stress of working around somebody else.
I’m going to have to call my singing teacher and say I can’t come because I’ll just cry if I do, but I can’t bring myself to do it at all… It just seems like too little too late, I don’t know whats worse – showing up and wasting her time or not showing up and wasting her time. Here I am wasting time typing this… I just have no excuse though.
If I wasn’t mortified that dad might overhear my phone call, I’d tell her he doesn’t want me to go, at least that has some kind of authority.
I’m too mortified anyway, if you have to call and tell someone you’re wussing out because you’re too sick/upset/stressed, you don’t want anyone to hear. I just want my mummy.

It’s frustrating that when you text someone because you can’t call them they’re not going to treat it with the same urgency as a call, if they’re even aware of it… Texting mum to talk about whether I should cancel my singing lesson is basically an example of why I can’t cancel my singing lesson.