I don’t wanna deal with anything

I’ve done two performances today and I’m feeling completely over it.
Yeah, I’m very tired, and I’ll probably feel better by next performance.
But once I get an idea in my head I kind of stick stubbornly to it for a while…
Theres just so many things that I can’t control, and sometimes how I feel is one them.
I’m scared of myself, I don’t want to be frustrated and I don’t want other people to see that.
And I’m scared that some little thing might trigger some sort of anxiety or depression – I might not be writing this now if someone didn’t do this or I didn’t do that.
At the moment I feel… I don’t know if I can handle this, if I want to be in another musical, if I will like studying or the people I have to be around.
I remember feeling a little like this at times during rehearsals but didn’t drop out because responsibility, and I guess I’m glad I didn’t.
But I’m just filled with so much ‘DO NOT WANT’ and most of the time too.

In short, I am Grumpy Cat.

does anybody feel pure want?

I feel incomplete and quite empty… I have no ambition, or purpose, or passions.
Well, what passions I do have don’t go anywhere.
I like designing fashion, but if you asked me if I WANT TO design fashion, I would say No.
I’ve signed up for a course in business administration and now I’m just filled with ‘I don’t want to’, like when I make any appointments or commitments.
I feel like I have no enthusiasm.
I’m in a musical. Do I think the musicals good? yes. Do I ‘want’ to be in it? not really.
My wants just amount to frustrations, it’s… it’s effort.
I say I have no motivation but apart from that I must just be completely lazy.
I feel like I’m broken to be like this, nevermind any other issues I have with depression/anxiety.
I’m sick of it.


There are many things frustrating me right now.
The first would be my family’s situation.
We rent and our lease is up soon.

So, we’ve been looking at other houses, but even if we do find one with extra room for my sister to move back in, there are problems like only one bathroom, no parking space, distance, expense, etc.
The house we are in currently isn’t that good – the air conditioner doesn’t work, it’s damp and mouldy, my bathroom has no window and a weak fan, the ensuite has a window and no fan, half of our lights don’t work or have no bulbs, and we can’t replace the bulbs because we can’t find the same size, or the socket is broken.

And yes, I spent the first year of my life in a shed, and I’ve probably been in houses worse than this, but I don’t remember living in the shed and I shouldn’t have to be in shitty houses!
And we have been so screwed around, with sisters moving in and out, my study area getting shoved from study to dining room, ┬áthat I feel like we haven’t settled yet!

But now that my sister is gone again, and my bedroom is finally how I want it and my boxes are almost unpacked (it took me a year…), I don’t want to move yet, because I feel like we’ve just moved in!
I don’t want to spend another year doing nothing, because we have to pack up and move, organise our stuff, probably find room for my sister again.
I want to learn, I want to sew, I want to blog, I want to make things and enjoy things and feel like I’m doing something with my life, and the moments I’ve felt like that have been few and far between!
I have missed years of my life because of this shit.
I’m growing up too fast, and I have been my whole life, and I don’t want to get a job and move out, but in three years (more like two) I’m going to be an adult, and I have to have money, and I can’t live with my parents forever.

And I want so many things that I can’t have.
And I don’t want to, but I feel angry and resentful at my sisters because they make stupid decisions, and keep moving around, and have trouble supporting themselves because they’ve thrown good situations away!
Because it’s making things harder for my parents, and it’s making things harder for me, on top of feeling bad that my sisters have to go through this shit.
I’m still waiting for my carved chest, and my bed, and only because all of my scrapbooking stuff is now living un-organised and unusable on the table do I have a bookcase!
I want to have my pretty, perfect, happy, organised little life, I just want it.

(Note: when I read through this next part I heard it with an stuck-up English accent, and I encourage you to do the same, for funsies)
Also putting a damper on my mood is a stupid argument I had with someone on Facebook last night.
I shared the exact same opinion, but because I said “SOME do and SOME don’t” because I didn’t want to generalise, she told me in big caps THEY ALL DO and when I politely explained she told me to piss off.
Then her sister said “everyone has a different opinion”.
(and then she – she piss-off-er-er – said “you dont understand the situation”, if thats aimed at me… of course I don’t, because I didn’t know there was a situation to not understand! If there is a situation, thats your problem, and not something I was talking about at all…)
And here I am, sitting with the SAME OPINION, just more thought out, and not blindly agreeing to everything said.
Apparently people don’t like that, they want me to yell “HECK YEAH” with no more thought to it.

And this happens a lot – people thinking I’m disagreeing when I’m actually agreeing.
And then they get mad, well, even if I am disagreeing with you, you have to deal with the fact that not everyone thinks what you think.
I know that can be hard – I get very upset whenever I share my opinion with Mum and she doesn’t agree, because she is my mother I think my opinion is automatically invalid and wrong, and that I’ve been bad somehow.
But random people, you just have to get over it, and not be too much of a douche.

I wonder if there is something in my tone of… typing, that intimidates or angers people, because I generally mean to be very polite, even if I’m annoyed, but I guess there is some sort of superiority or contempt in my words – well, maybe there wouldn’t be if they weren’t so bloody stupid.
And I often use rather long words and sound very pompous, which I like about myself because I balance it by making stupid jokes, and I suppose that may enrage the feeble minded because they can’t wrap their heads around what I’m saying.

Also, I invited my friend over for the weekend (which is, um, tomorrow) and she hasn’t replied!! I asked her last week, and sent her a message and a comment on Facebook yesterday. It’s just a bit upsetting because I haven’t seen her in a while, it’s hard enough getting courage to ask someone over, and I don’t really want her over next weekend because my Mum will be gone for a week and I don’t want to dump all the responsibility on Dad, although the company would be nice…
And my jaw hurts, although I happily find the pain dissipating.

P.S :: oh, and poor flood damaged Queensland now has been hit by a cyclone.
Everyone in Australia is saying ‘FML’.