Re-watching the Melbourne Gala Comedy Festival (is that the right order of mumbo jumbo?) reminds me of a Facebook post I read a while ago.
The nice lesbian woman sums it up
“Someone once told me “don’t take a pill, just think happy thoughts!” and I was like “you think I haven’t thought of that already?”  Telling a depressed person to get over it is like telling an amputee to get a grip.”

My… friend… posted two statuses within minutes of each other I found quite conflicting.
First was basically “we all go through shit but we don’t all complain about it, you need to move on. instead of whining why don’t you do something about it. Just a thought…”
The next, 2 MINUTES LATER, was “don’t pick on depressed people okay it’s probably bitches like you that made them depressed SHUT UP”

I be like honey (I’m ghetto fabulous now), listen to future you and shut up.
People must really hate themselves if they’re going to take that “thought” of yours.
“oh no, I’ve sunken so low I’m going to take this insultingly simple advice that I’ve heard a million times before, just because it came from this teenage faux-therapist.”

I did have a thoughtful argument for her, really, but even though she is addressing “you” she is thinking of one specific person, and when you try to counter that they refute everything you say – “no, it’s not like that, they definitely are a bitch when they do x and y ALWAYS” – and it’s hard to defend someone you don’t know.
So I just mocked her in my own Facebook status.

And I probably took it personally as a complainer and a labradoodle.
If you don’t complain, you don’t get what you want, you don’t process all your thoughts and feelings, you don’t combat societal ills, you don’t protect yourself.
Complaint is an action.
You can just get bogged down in complaint, and you don’t know where to go from there… and it’s actually a scary and confusing place to be, I’ve lived years of my life like that.
I don’t like it, and if you don’t either, don’t read it.
It’s for my own sake.

P.S not that this is either post nor script – Apparently ‘reminds’ isn’t a word.

I don’t wanna deal with anything

I’ve done two performances today and I’m feeling completely over it.
Yeah, I’m very tired, and I’ll probably feel better by next performance.
But once I get an idea in my head I kind of stick stubbornly to it for a while…
Theres just so many things that I can’t control, and sometimes how I feel is one them.
I’m scared of myself, I don’t want to be frustrated and I don’t want other people to see that.
And I’m scared that some little thing might trigger some sort of anxiety or depression – I might not be writing this now if someone didn’t do this or I didn’t do that.
At the moment I feel… I don’t know if I can handle this, if I want to be in another musical, if I will like studying or the people I have to be around.
I remember feeling a little like this at times during rehearsals but didn’t drop out because responsibility, and I guess I’m glad I didn’t.
But I’m just filled with so much ‘DO NOT WANT’ and most of the time too.

In short, I am Grumpy Cat.

I don’t know how to make positive connections

I can’t find a place in any community.
An online community would be convenient, for sure…
But it’s been a long time since I’ve made any positive connections on the internet.
I find it to be an overwhelmingly negative place.
I avoid interactions with other people, outside of liking my friends statuses.
I ‘liked’ a news website recently and had to unlike it because I hated 90% of their followers, reading their crap made me feel negative but I couldn’t… not.
And gee, the sheer amount of the negativity people put out there… how can they do it? doesn’t it make them feel awful?
I’m over this stuff, I’ve learnt. I know to control myself… as much as (although from what I’ve seen more than) the next person can.
I can’t find anyone to agree with or even understand, let alone like – from video games to anxiety/depression forums.
I’m reading this at the moment which I’m finding interesting despite one really awful analogy (injoke: NO MOAR CARROTS 4EVER *cries*)
Okay, so… real life communities.
Well, I’m in one, I just struggle with it sometimes.
I go to the local drama groups workshops, and I’m in their musical productions.
I’ve been feeling really depressed again lately (although Spring looks like it’ll clear it up nicely) it’s been a gradual build up because of poor health… I had blocked ears for like 2 months, I felt disabled and I couldn’t audition for a leading role because of it.
Got my ears syringed by a nurse (y) which is rather unpleasant, like visiting the dentist or cleaning your belly button.
And now I’ve had a cold for two weeks, so I missed a workshop (plus the one before), a rehearsal, and A QUIZ NIGHT… but I hadn’t made any plans to go anyway because no one would go with me.
I’m feeling a bit of petty resentment that no one’s shown concern for me when I’ve not gone.
I feel abandoned.
I’m living with my Dad, my Mum is living with her boyfriend, my sister just doesn’t visit.
I have a great Dad, but he’s not my mother, I don’t feel comfortable talking to him or asking him for help, and he’s working like 10/5 (LOL)
Feeling a bit proud of myself just because I did all my laundry… haha.
That’s really an achievement for the last few months.
Which is a bit sad.
So many things I should do…

I just don’t even know AGAIN.

Mum keeps nagging me about using my blog.
Fair enough if its school or quilting stuff, but I don’t want my personal stuff on here anymore.
Whats the point of writing about things that upset me, or that I’ve already talked to my mother about (except for the fact shes tried of listening to me)?
Or maybe I want to put that on a different blog and make sure theres just one for school/quilting.
I really don’t know what to do or how to go about it.
Every diary I’ve had I’ve ripped into a million shreds because it’s a pointless black hole of alternating boring and depressing bullshit, why is this different?

I just went through my emails and my accounts on various things, made a new msn, so that when I am ready I can dive in.
I got sad looking through my YouTube account because I used to make music videos using movie clips, and upload them – my total video views are 1 million, I have over 100 subscribers, and while thats not much compared to actual popular people onYT, it made me feel a little proud.
I won’t use it, but I can’t delete it, and it’s existance makes starting again pointless.
I should atleast save some of my videos from the wrath of copyright infringement laws >>; but I’m a bit lazy, once again.


post about heart blocks lap quilt
post about spa kit
post about depression
post about hour a day plan
post about sketching and other artwork

and something that causes me a little bit of worry : if I post pictures of my artwork, will some bugger with no taste knick them???

I just don’t even know…

I have no idea whats going on with this blog anymore.

I’ve been rather depressed lately and I just don’t feel like writing.
I’m fighting my way out of this shittiness, but I don’t know when it will be that I actually pick up writing regularly.
I just figured I should drop a few lines (of cocaine… no) while I was on here looking for a link.

Pretty sure I’ve failed Post A Week 2011 epically.

I wish I did feel like finishing the posts I sort’ve left half-done, but I don’t.
…. could play some more Sims >>; lol

But I’m trying to get outside and exercise, I’ve printed out some schoolwork, I’m going to cut out junk and things I’m allergic too – the problem is things that are healthy that I like to eat like fruits I can’t always have because of allergies so it’s better to eat plain crisps…. heehee. Not that I like crisps that much. I’m a chocolate person… I still have Easter chocolate to go through, slowly, of course.

Anyway hopefully all of that will help me feel better, be more healthy, etc

Facebook Depression

I’ve already posted today but that was really a nothing post, you know?
I’m just feeling depressed right now and I need to.. do something about it.
This might make me feel worse, but maybe getting it out here will make it easier to sleep without dwelling on things.

I’ve spent the last hour looking up ‘Facebook depresses me’ and ‘Facebook depression’ on Google.
I was already feeling a bit frustrated and stressed because of my stupid video game, and forcing myself to watch NCIS when I didn’t want to, and probably just a bunch of other little things.
It’s generally tense with all the stuff always going on here anyway.

My sister came home and said there was this horrible FB page made by kids from the local school trashing my sisters friend and generally being nasty.
So my sisters friend made a page hating that page, but was also against bullying in general.
I looked through the friends and liker or whatever, and counted 12 I felt had contributed to bullying me in some way, INCLUDING my sisters friend!
It’s only wrong when it happens to you or someone you like, huh?
I guess they just didn’t know what they were doing.

We used to be in the same class, and she and her friends did stuff like cornering me in P.E and asking me personal questions, telling me people *liked* me when they didn’t.
I didn’t fall for it, but I tended to slip up and say too much when I should’ve ignored them just because it was such a sudden attack! =/

Anyway, so I was thinking about all of that crap.
Then I was looking through my list of ‘recommended friends’ and ‘friends of friends’.
And I just saw a bunch of people I disliked – that I felt hurt by, that had hurt friends or family, or that I had heard bad things about.
Few names made me smile, and if they did it was in a sad way like ‘why arent we friends’, or ‘I wish things went differently’.
I mean, the real smiles were actually for people I BARELY knew, that I had just heard good things about or heard or seen them do something funny or nice.

Sometimes Mum suggests moving to a different area of SA, or a different state.
I kinda like the idea, but then I think “but these people I’m friends with on FB that I could be REAL friends with I’ll never see!”
But, I’m NOT real friends with them, and why should that change soon?
I get too scared to try, atleast not more than once, why can’t they try? because they already have friends, I doubt they actively seek more 😦

I mean, there are those two sisters I like that I actually hang out with sometimes, but I haven’t seen them in like two months and I’m getting scared and depressed and too nervous to try much.
I WANT to see them atleast once a month.
I keep thinking “I’ll ask them this weekend”, but my life (well, I dont really have one, but the lives of those around me) is so busy lately (not that *I* have anything to do).

The idea of moving away is looking pretty friendly right now in any case – the idea of deleting my old friends or FB all together, and never seeing the names, faces or comments of all those dislikable people!
I just want to get rid of all these memories.
If I didn’t have FB, and be constantly confronted with my ‘friends’ existances, I might not even think about them, or want to spend time with them.
I won’t get jealous, or sad, or lonely, because theres no reason.
I’m probably less lonely not thinking about the rest of the world!

I’ve lived without Facebook before.
But I just don’t know if I can do it.
If I did, I might just make another account, but only with people I REALLY like, and with no information about myself -.-

All I know is that my experiences with other kids, and sometimes the internet, (and the knowledge of my sisters experiences), has left me bitter, anxious, antisocial, introverted, distrustful and paranoid.
But I feel thats all with good reason, is it a bad thing I have a sense of self preservation?
I mean, I’m not paranoid, because they obviously ARE out to get me!
I just don’t want anymore bad thoughts.
I don’t want to get teary while I try and fall asleep anymore.

I feel oddly alone.

That might be because I’m the only one in the house >>; lol

But, what I really mean is, I feel like I’ve been strangely ‘alone’ for most of my life.
Since I stopped going to school after 1 year when I was 7, my Mum has always said “we’re homeschooled” or “we’re unschooled” but I really don’t feel like I have been.
(don’t know what unschooling is?
I feel ‘unschooled’, but not in the way it should feel.
I mean, my memories probably aren’t accurate, and I’m probably taking how I feel now, or how I felt when Mum was working, and applying it to the past…
But I feel like I was just sort’ve left alone, that I was raised by myself… and the computer, and the television, and the sega or the playstation.
For my first 10 or 11 years of life, I was always home with my mother, she was always there, but I don’t feel like she’s taught me anything or really helped me learn.
I’ve learned by myself, and I feel, and I think that I act and have the understanding of an ‘educated’ person, but at the same time I don’t feel like I am… because I’m not.
And I’m confused.

And now, this year, when I’ve actually been trying to homeschool properly, I feel like I’m mostly doing it by myself, even though currently I’m doing nothing and have no motivation, I keep trying to get the motivation back, and I try talking to her about it – but it’s just like, whatever she says is the opposite of what I want.
We don’t work the same… she likes to just charge things head on, “if you want to do something do it, don’t complain about it”, but I try to think about things as much as possible.
I feel like she’s aggressive and maybe frustrated or angry with me, it’s like she’s always like “stop whining” – I’m not whining, I’m trying to understand what I’m supposed to do!
And I just get stressed so easily, and feel so pressured… pressured by WHAT?

She’s gets surprised that I’m just always Googling things every day, because I’m curious, because I want to know things, and she gets surprised when I have proper conversations about things with people – and I know it’s like a proud kind of surprise feeling…
Like, she knows me better than most people know their children, which is great, but shouldn’t she NOT be surprised anymore?
Why IS she surprised?

I just so often feel like everyone sees me as the same person I was years ago, before I became a teenager.
I don’t have temper tantrums anymore, I used to try to hit people when I was a kid and I don’t think I’ve tried to hurt my mother for 5 years now.
I was getting really good at not-swearing when I was like 11, but no body believed me, because they didn’t pay attention… then I went back to school and the not-swearing thing kinda went out the window =/
And I don’t know whether I’ve whined about this before, but I always feel like my older siblings (especially my sisters) belittle me – they act like because my opinions MIGHT change later, they don’t matter now.
Um, yes, yes they do. Because I still have feelings. And I still have thoughts. And you did when you were my age, and I’m sure that not all of your feelings and thoughts have changed now!

I don’t really want my parents to come home.
I don’t want them to come home, and interrupt me typing (and occasionally crying).
I don’t want them to be concerned, their concern is annoying, I’m a bit busy here.
Although if they come home now it’ll still be early enough for me to have a shower because I was too scared to while they were out, lol.

I’d like to work through all of the internet pages I have open so I can actually turn my computer off tonight instead of just closing the lid (tis a laptop).
So I guess I should shut up now.

I just… really wish, that I had been homeschooled properly when I was younger, although the things I would’ve done probably wouldn’t have been much different from things I do anyway – read a book, have an opinion about it, do some art and crafts, go outside.
It just seems so much simpler, like these are things I do now but I don’t feel like it counts as work now, I feel like it would’ve when I was a kid… but eventually I’d still have to get up to this shitty part now.
I’m always imagining how I’d like to raise MY kids, how I’d like to homeschool them, things I’d like them to do…
I shouldn’t be thinking about that stuff now, and the reason why I do is because it’s stuff I wish I’d had, and it’s stuff I still wish I had and stuff I’d like to do NOW.

It’s like earlier this year when I got depressed because I had no toys, and I made Mum buy me Beados and Magic Fabric.
But now I want the educational aspect of childhood, which is probably why I spent a whole half of the other day talking about pc games I used to have – I guess I can’t really say that I DIDN’T have the educational aspect of childhood… I did do a lot of the things I would have my own children do, and that I want to do now.
But I’m too old to play with Fatty Bear, just like I’m too old to play with Magic Fabric, which is now sitting in my cupboard somewhere with half of the designs used up.

Although now I totally want to play with some Magic Fabric 😮 I just don’t have anywhere to put all the stupid things I make with it.

What was I complaining about again?

Motivation = Dead (an actual real post of importance, involving what I’m supposed to talk about, which is me, and homeschooling. shocker.)

And so it has been for most of this year.
Most of my life, maybe.

This was supposed to be a year of doing things and having things and being happy.
Mum and Dad got back together, Mum left her job to stay home with me, Dad got a job, and they weren’t going to move in together and start hating each other, and I was going to start homeschooling and DESCHOOLING, to get all that crap out of me.

Then we were forced to move because the house was being sold (we rent), and we ended up in this dodgy place where everything’s cold and wet, the bathroom floors are covered in silastic for the dust to stick to, and the pantry is so big you could live in it but it’s impossible to reach any food or utilise the space.
And it costs the same as a four bedroom two bathroom house with its own beach that just popped up on the market =/

My sister moved back home the other month, robbing me of my study space, and now I’m pushed out into the corner of the dining room with my stupid little desk and squeaky chair, just after I had gotten my real office back into shape and started to muster my motivation! D=
She wanted to bring her mattress instead of being normal and sleeping on the spare bed, so she dumped it on the floor, and when we picked it up the other day there was a large amount of mold growing under it.
And the hot water system sucks… I hate cold showers.

Oh, and histamine intolerance is a bitca, as I have recently discovered.
I should be on a proper diet, because I really don’t want to be walking around at summer time with excema and hives all over my legs.
Just to share with you all.

And… I just find myself to be bitter, and grudge holding, and close to tears a lot of the time, having to think of stupid things every day.
Thinking of stupid things that stupid people at stupid school did to me in their stupidity.
Still angry about my Dad being jobless, living with his parents, which probably all started with my Mum deciding to be a lesbian in her anti-depression medicated state (and this happened like 3 years ago).
Mind you, she probably would’ve become a lesbian anyway, just not have been so “la di da everythings fine” about it.
Constantly frustrated and disappointed with my siblings, even though they don’t really live with me anymore (minus temporary younger-older sister staying), I always think about what they did/said when/where.

And homeschooling is wigging me out, even though I’m barely doing anything.
Earlier this year the home edu lady gave me a “get out of school free” card until the end of NEXT year, because I was enthusiastic and creative, but when that time comes I’m going to actually have something to show for it.
I lost the motivation to do my lessons properly about the same time I lost motivation at school (early/mid ‘term 2’), and I didn’t even have people harassing me here, and I actually CHOSE the work I was doing.

I had exciting projects, studying a country a month, learning about Gustav Klimt, designing fashion and reading Jane Austen.
But somehow my excitement went away and I was just left with “I don’t care”.
And that was my state, thats what I said to everything, school-related at least.
Because, whats the point?
I don’t HATE doing Maths, but I saw no point in it, I wasn’t going to use it.
I liked the idea of my ‘monthly country’ thing, but the work was frustrating, the research and the organizing… I can be fairly OCD/perfectionist, but at the same time I just get sick of things and give up.
Somehow I just didn’t REALLY care about anything, as nice as the ideas were or as interesting and exciting I tried to make it.

At best I’d draw, and do some English, and sew, because thats what I liked.
I’ve been trying to get back into it, but it’s really hard.
Mum told me just to do what I wanted, but I feel like that’s not enough.
My problem is I don’t know if I feel so incredibly stressed (my TMJ clicks like a… idk, something that clicks) because I’m not doing enough to satisfy myself or if I’m not doing enough to satisfy someone elses idea of what my education should be!
And thats been my problem for months now.

I guess I can’t be TOO unmotivated if I managed to spew all this out, but it’s taken a long time to get around to it, yet I’ve barely talked about anything, really.
I’m just frustrated with this half-life I’m living… I’m in limbo.

I also wasn’t too unmotivated to kick the crap out of The Legend Of Zelda : Ocarina Of Time for Nintendo 64! =3
except now I’m realising my Nintendo thumb hasn’t been painfully swollen in a while… I don’t think I’ve even played it for a week.
Even my gaming motivation is wavering T-T damn Gerudo guards!

Anyway, I’m hoping that my 15th birthday brings some sort of… rebirth.
I like to think it’ll bring the year that this year should’ve been.
I like to think I’ll kill my lazy depression with overflowing happiness and joy.
But we got half a year more in this house of fail… sigh.

Aaaand… if I keep going on, the word count of this blog will be double the amount of pages in the book I just read (which was awesome, btw, although I’m probably about to make a blog and complain about it)
I have to dry the dishes now.