Thought Collection

I’ve been back in class for two days now, the holidays were very long and I crammed some work in on Monday to make it feel like I did something productive.
I haven’t really felt anxiety at all but I am still, to a lesser extent than when I wrote about it last, anxious about experiencing anxiety… ha.
I’m waiting for the day something bothers me and I don’t finish my course.

I don’t hate my course, but I’m looking forward to doing other things when it ends.
It seems like there are issues with the whole learning process, apart from personal ones like clashing with others or not liking to be criticised, stuff like being told how but not why, or being given things and not really told what to do with them, or not knowing when you’re going to learn certain things.
I enjoy doing the workbooks, but then you’re told Oh that should be in caps and have a specific header and a filepath… the workbook never says so, we just like it that way.
Anyway, I spend some time thinking about and searching for other courses to do.

I’d like to study a variety of things in not very large amounts.
It’d be nice to have a basic knowledge of biology, psychology, art…
And then I get cranky because isn’t that what I would basically get if I was in highschool? So I think about completing year 10, somehow, which I could have just done if I tolerated highschool for longer.
I always thought Women’s Education would be kinda useless because I’m not a middle aged woman, but they get to talk about social issues and write papers, they also learn how to use a computer so then I think if I was going to bother I should have done that before a business class.

I’m having trouble finding online courses to do, or courses to do at all… you go, oooh theres a certificate II in visual arts… 4 hours away. Animal studies? not in your town. You can however learn to wipe old peoples bottoms. Exciting.
And I reckon courses outside of TAFE would be more expensive and maybe not as good.

Another issue is the point of most study is to get a career… ‘career outcome’, ‘career path’… I don’t really want one.
I don’t think I’d want to continue business into cert III, even though it’s a logical thing to do and could continue onto the cert IV I wanted.
I had a plan, Cert IV Advertising/Marketing, but I don’t know if I want to spend hundreds or thousands on an education I won’t use or enjoy.
The adult world is damn scary, man.

I don’t wanna deal with anything

I’ve done two performances today and I’m feeling completely over it.
Yeah, I’m very tired, and I’ll probably feel better by next performance.
But once I get an idea in my head I kind of stick stubbornly to it for a while…
Theres just so many things that I can’t control, and sometimes how I feel is one them.
I’m scared of myself, I don’t want to be frustrated and I don’t want other people to see that.
And I’m scared that some little thing might trigger some sort of anxiety or depression – I might not be writing this now if someone didn’t do this or I didn’t do that.
At the moment I feel… I don’t know if I can handle this, if I want to be in another musical, if I will like studying or the people I have to be around.
I remember feeling a little like this at times during rehearsals but didn’t drop out because responsibility, and I guess I’m glad I didn’t.
But I’m just filled with so much ‘DO NOT WANT’ and most of the time too.

In short, I am Grumpy Cat.