I feel so sad and frustrated, frustrated with myself for never being satisfied or happy or appreciating anything.
You read a fucking self help guide and it’s all like just relax, just spend time with your family, etc.
But it’s not just that you have to be motivated to do those things in the first place, it’s that you have to enjoy them. And I feel like I don’t enjoy anything, and nothing holds any meaning for me. Maybe that’s just my state of mind right now because I feel bad right now. I know it’s all on me and I work myself up into this. But these are the feelings that feel true. And that trying to be any other way is a lie or a betrayal of how I feel if not who I am. Which is why I don’t want to see a therapist or talk to anybody. I imagine I’d just adamantly stand by my thoughts that there’s nothing for me in life because if I ever can do anything I still wouldn’t be happy, and eventually they’d even agree with me!
It’s all a joke.
I’m restless today and obviously I want something to do to distract me from my melodrama and the tense pain in my throat from wanting to cry, but I think I just couldn’t do anything without my thoughts intruding and wanting to crack the shits.
Ideally I’d do some kind of cleaning or exercise but everything just feels like an obstacle in the way of that and like I don’t even have a concept of how to go about either of those things.
I literally can’t think of a thing to do that I won’t resist and I hate just sitting here.

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