I feel sad.
I don’t know how I got talked into this.
It seemed like a good idea, and I thought it’d just be easier and I’d be getting out of dads way looking for a house with my sister.
But recon immediately turned into moving furniture, even though I’d barely been there before thinking I just wanted to go home.
And that’s how I feel now, but now I’m practically moved in.
And yes, it’s exciting and my rooms nice and big.
And no I don’t really have a home to go back to, either way I would have been moving somewhere new and technically under someone elses roof because I have no means of supporting myself right now.
I still don’t want to live in some other mans house though, I don’t know why I let myself forget that.
Right now I’m thinking about how the toilet in this house is right next to the main bedroom, and the vivid memory of when it was like that with my parents in another house and I needed to pee so badly but didn’t want me to hear them having sex or them to hear me on the toilet, it was so upsetting I think I cried and was awake for hours in indecision. That’s how I feel now, except I don’t need to pee. It’s stupid, but that is making me think very strongly I don’t want to live here.
And it’s not fair to restrict someone else in their own home but I really don’t need to see some drunken (or not-drunken guy) guy all over my mother every week, it feels like it’s invading my personal space.
I don’t think he expects me to stay for more than a year and with what a useless person I am I just feel incapable of anything else, like I’ll just be an unwelcome thing in the house forever doing nothing good.
I just want my own place and my own transport and a job.
I can’t stand having more than one other person in the house now, I’m sure it used to comfort me when I was very little but hearing indistinct conversations in other rooms makes me feel uncomfortable and paranoid now.
It’d be stupid to move all my things back into another house that may not be “mine” for much longer…


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