i feel so not happy right now

my breathing is like hhhh*sigh*…. hhh*sigh*….
I can’t handle the things I thought I wanted… like I want so badly a lead role in a musical and to focus on my acting, but I never practice and the thought of auditions make me feel sick.
The whole thing is making me feel sick and it’s like all my confidence I thought I had is gone and I don’t want to do anything, I don’t even want to be in the chorus.
I feel negative about everyone and everything, all involved.
It’s just the wrong time, wrong part, I’m not a soprano… I wanted to audition last year but my ears were blocked… I WAS DEAF. I was dizzy and couldn ‘t tell if I was hitting any notes so I just stayed home.
And I missed out on an audition experience I would’ve felt somewhat comfortable in, in my vocal range, and now I just can ‘t fathom this…
What if I can’t hear again?
I just want to stay home forever and never leave the house.

I’m scared.

I feel rather scared and negative.
Like I’m living in dread.
At the same time, I’m wondering if I’m just talking myself into feeling this way.
I’m thinking… I should avoid people, I’m not cut out for anything, maybe I have agoraphobia, I should see a therapist.
I have never gotten anything out of talking to others about my mental health, and the rest of the time I’ve been too afraid to.
All I have been cured of is the idea that there’s anything wrong with me!

I picture where I want to be… I want to live in a nice home, I want to be more independent, I want to be raising children eventually. Sometimes I think I want to study psychology and then I remember I hate it.
How do I get there? How can I afford it if I don’t want to work? I have no desire to achieve these things realistically.

I know I just need to work through this but it is mind-bogglingly difficult when I an so lazy… There must be something medically wrong with me, it’s impossible to be this unmotivated and empty. I just want people to give me things.
I’m not broken, I’m just stubborn.

I don’t wanna deal with anything

I’ve done two performances today and I’m feeling completely over it.
Yeah, I’m very tired, and I’ll probably feel better by next performance.
But once I get an idea in my head I kind of stick stubbornly to it for a while…
Theres just so many things that I can’t control, and sometimes how I feel is one them.
I’m scared of myself, I don’t want to be frustrated and I don’t want other people to see that.
And I’m scared that some little thing might trigger some sort of anxiety or depression – I might not be writing this now if someone didn’t do this or I didn’t do that.
At the moment I feel… I don’t know if I can handle this, if I want to be in another musical, if I will like studying or the people I have to be around.
I remember feeling a little like this at times during rehearsals but didn’t drop out because responsibility, and I guess I’m glad I didn’t.
But I’m just filled with so much ‘DO NOT WANT’ and most of the time too.

In short, I am Grumpy Cat.

I don’t know how to make positive connections

I can’t find a place in any community.
An online community would be convenient, for sure…
But it’s been a long time since I’ve made any positive connections on the internet.
I find it to be an overwhelmingly negative place.
I avoid interactions with other people, outside of liking my friends statuses.
I ‘liked’ a news website recently and had to unlike it because I hated 90% of their followers, reading their crap made me feel negative but I couldn’t… not.
And gee, the sheer amount of the negativity people put out there… how can they do it? doesn’t it make them feel awful?
I’m over this stuff, I’ve learnt. I know to control myself… as much as (although from what I’ve seen more than) the next person can.
I can’t find anyone to agree with or even understand, let alone like – from video games to anxiety/depression forums.
I’m reading this at the moment http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/technology/communication-etiquette/negativity-00100000073022/ which I’m finding interesting despite one really awful analogy (injoke: NO MOAR CARROTS 4EVER *cries*)
Okay, so… real life communities.
Well, I’m in one, I just struggle with it sometimes.
I go to the local drama groups workshops, and I’m in their musical productions.
I’ve been feeling really depressed again lately (although Spring looks like it’ll clear it up nicely) it’s been a gradual build up because of poor health… I had blocked ears for like 2 months, I felt disabled and I couldn’t audition for a leading role because of it.
Got my ears syringed by a nurse (y) which is rather unpleasant, like visiting the dentist or cleaning your belly button.
And now I’ve had a cold for two weeks, so I missed a workshop (plus the one before), a rehearsal, and A QUIZ NIGHT… but I hadn’t made any plans to go anyway because no one would go with me.
I’m feeling a bit of petty resentment that no one’s shown concern for me when I’ve not gone.
I feel abandoned.
I’m living with my Dad, my Mum is living with her boyfriend, my sister just doesn’t visit.
I have a great Dad, but he’s not my mother, I don’t feel comfortable talking to him or asking him for help, and he’s working like 10/5 (LOL)
Feeling a bit proud of myself just because I did all my laundry… haha.
That’s really an achievement for the last few months.
Which is a bit sad.
So many things I should do…

Facebook Depression

I’ve already posted today but that was really a nothing post, you know?
I’m just feeling depressed right now and I need to.. do something about it.
This might make me feel worse, but maybe getting it out here will make it easier to sleep without dwelling on things.

I’ve spent the last hour looking up ‘Facebook depresses me’ and ‘Facebook depression’ on Google.
I was already feeling a bit frustrated and stressed because of my stupid video game, and forcing myself to watch NCIS when I didn’t want to, and probably just a bunch of other little things.
It’s generally tense with all the stuff always going on here anyway.

My sister came home and said there was this horrible FB page made by kids from the local school trashing my sisters friend and generally being nasty.
So my sisters friend made a page hating that page, but was also against bullying in general.
I looked through the friends and liker or whatever, and counted 12 I felt had contributed to bullying me in some way, INCLUDING my sisters friend!
It’s only wrong when it happens to you or someone you like, huh?
I guess they just didn’t know what they were doing.

We used to be in the same class, and she and her friends did stuff like cornering me in P.E and asking me personal questions, telling me people *liked* me when they didn’t.
I didn’t fall for it, but I tended to slip up and say too much when I should’ve ignored them just because it was such a sudden attack! =/

Anyway, so I was thinking about all of that crap.
Then I was looking through my list of ‘recommended friends’ and ‘friends of friends’.
And I just saw a bunch of people I disliked – that I felt hurt by, that had hurt friends or family, or that I had heard bad things about.
Few names made me smile, and if they did it was in a sad way like ‘why arent we friends’, or ‘I wish things went differently’.
I mean, the real smiles were actually for people I BARELY knew, that I had just heard good things about or heard or seen them do something funny or nice.

Sometimes Mum suggests moving to a different area of SA, or a different state.
I kinda like the idea, but then I think “but these people I’m friends with on FB that I could be REAL friends with I’ll never see!”
But, I’m NOT real friends with them, and why should that change soon?
I get too scared to try, atleast not more than once, why can’t they try? because they already have friends, I doubt they actively seek more 😦

I mean, there are those two sisters I like that I actually hang out with sometimes, but I haven’t seen them in like two months and I’m getting scared and depressed and too nervous to try much.
I WANT to see them atleast once a month.
I keep thinking “I’ll ask them this weekend”, but my life (well, I dont really have one, but the lives of those around me) is so busy lately (not that *I* have anything to do).

The idea of moving away is looking pretty friendly right now in any case – the idea of deleting my old friends or FB all together, and never seeing the names, faces or comments of all those dislikable people!
I just want to get rid of all these memories.
If I didn’t have FB, and be constantly confronted with my ‘friends’ existances, I might not even think about them, or want to spend time with them.
I won’t get jealous, or sad, or lonely, because theres no reason.
I’m probably less lonely not thinking about the rest of the world!

I’ve lived without Facebook before.
But I just don’t know if I can do it.
If I did, I might just make another account, but only with people I REALLY like, and with no information about myself -.-

All I know is that my experiences with other kids, and sometimes the internet, (and the knowledge of my sisters experiences), has left me bitter, anxious, antisocial, introverted, distrustful and paranoid.
But I feel thats all with good reason, is it a bad thing I have a sense of self preservation?
I mean, I’m not paranoid, because they obviously ARE out to get me!
I just don’t want anymore bad thoughts.
I don’t want to get teary while I try and fall asleep anymore.