I just don’t even know AGAIN.

Mum keeps nagging me about using my blog.
Fair enough if its school or quilting stuff, but I don’t want my personal stuff on here anymore.
Whats the point of writing about things that upset me, or that I’ve already talked to my mother about (except for the fact shes tried of listening to me)?
Or maybe I want to put that on a different blog and make sure theres just one for school/quilting.
I really don’t know what to do or how to go about it.
Every diary I’ve had I’ve ripped into a million shreds because it’s a pointless black hole of alternating boring and depressing bullshit, why is this different?

I just went through my emails and my accounts on various things, made a new msn, so that when I am ready I can dive in.
I got sad looking through my YouTube account because I used to make music videos using movie clips, and upload them – my total video views are 1 million, I have over 100 subscribers, and while thats not much compared to actual popular people onYT, it made me feel a little proud.
I won’t use it, but I can’t delete it, and it’s existance makes starting again pointless.
I should atleast save some of my videos from the wrath of copyright infringement laws >>; but I’m a bit lazy, once again.

*sigh*

TO DO IN THE UNDETERMINED FUTURE :
post about heart blocks lap quilt
post about spa kit
post about depression
post about hour a day plan
post about sketching and other artwork

and something that causes me a little bit of worry : if I post pictures of my artwork, will some bugger with no taste knick them???

Sewing Projects – Girlies!

Early last year, I found a sewing project (in a box titled ‘Kids UFOs’.. un-finished objects) that I started when I still lived in Middle-Of-Nowhere, Victoria… so I was probably 6 to 9 years old.
I wanna say 7.

Holly Hobbie

It’s a bunch of little girlies that I think are based on the original Holly Hobbies design.

initial design

My Mum traced the shape and I think I designed and/or coloured the clothes.

finished girlie

I started sewing this green one when I was little and almost finished it, and starting to do them again and finishing them all now has been very interesting, and they’re so cute!

frantic baby stitches!

I believe (I hope) this is the sewing of a 7 year old me.

almost wondering if Mum sewed that...

And I believe this is the sewing of a 14 year old me.

ah, I was too cute ;p

All of the drawings and planning and colouring was done when I was little, as you can see… lol.

initial design

This is the next one I did…

finished girlie

Somehow she ended up a chocolate girlie because I ran out of my first skin colour, but yay for diversity! All of the other skin colours are different anyway.

enter interesting caption here

My fancy feather!

I gotta say I love Macro photography... whatever that is

My amazing changing stitch size… hmm.

initial design

This was my next one, and I don’t know if it was possible I copied the design, because I don’t know my exact age when I coloured these or when I first played Harvest Moon A Wonderful Life…


Muffy from the video game Harvest Moon : A Wonderful Life

finished girlie

…but this girlie looks exactly like Muffy, the desperate waitress!

a bit tricky

Weird little peeptoe shoes… the materials gotten a bit fluffy and I don’t think the material lined up very well (or is that my cruddy stiches?) because theres some skin colour showing around the edge…

it's a sleeve...

Love how I did her cardigan though 🙂

initial design

Next one, everyone tells me she looks like Cartman from South Park… damn hat lol.

finished girlie

I didn’t do the bobble on the beanie, I wasn’t quite sure how – I considered buttons, but at the moment it’s just like this.

"shut up, fat boy!" - South Park...

Heehee, fat little belly.

is it just me or could those stitches be... VAMPIRE BITES!?!

Um, her neck – I just wanted to have four photos for each girlie >>;

finished girlie

This ones fairly plain…

initial design

But the original design had terribly drawn butterflies – My Mum couldn’t figure out what they were!

reverse bingo wing? bot fly? scarab beetle? aliens?

She has a bit of a strange bulge in her arm o.o

*something witty*

I think my sewing on her hat was pretty good.

initial design

This original design looks very… um… I imagine a grubby old woman gardening.

finished girlie

But she turned out to be my second favourite (next to beanie girlie). Her skins not quite so pale in real life. I love that material I found for her skirt, because it has all the other colours in it! And, no, there is no huuuge flower on her hat, but the hat material has a flower design.

frantic stitches!

Haha, that shoe was quite frustrating..

hmm, see-through arm

The hand overlapped the skirt just a ridiculously tiny amount, so I didn’t sew that bit of the skirt.
Another thing I probably should’ve had a picture of was the sleeve – the arm has actually been slipped up into a slit in the shirt for the sleeve, because, um, we didn’t plan very well, I suppose.
I kinda wanted to sew her shoulder in so it was a complete sleeve but I didn’t.

There was a little gap of time (apart from me aging 7 years making the first girlie) between the first three girlies and the last three girlies because I had to find the right thread to match the tan skin tone, I did actually have the right colour of thread but it was quilting thread, so no go.
I’m not quite sure what to do with the girlies now – there are 3 that face left and 3 that face right.
At first I was considering a quilt or lap-quilt, but Mum was too lazy to wash some of the material, so something that won’t get washed like wall-hangings is more suitable (so the material won’t shrink or run).
I’ve moved onto sewing one of Mum’s UFOs so I’ll do a post about that next 🙂

I feel oddly alone.

That might be because I’m the only one in the house >>; lol

But, what I really mean is, I feel like I’ve been strangely ‘alone’ for most of my life.
Since I stopped going to school after 1 year when I was 7, my Mum has always said “we’re homeschooled” or “we’re unschooled” but I really don’t feel like I have been.
(don’t know what unschooling is?  http://www.sandradodd.com/unschooling)
I feel ‘unschooled’, but not in the way it should feel.
I mean, my memories probably aren’t accurate, and I’m probably taking how I feel now, or how I felt when Mum was working, and applying it to the past…
But I feel like I was just sort’ve left alone, that I was raised by myself… and the computer, and the television, and the sega or the playstation.
For my first 10 or 11 years of life, I was always home with my mother, she was always there, but I don’t feel like she’s taught me anything or really helped me learn.
I’ve learned by myself, and I feel, and I think that I act and have the understanding of an ‘educated’ person, but at the same time I don’t feel like I am… because I’m not.
And I’m confused.

And now, this year, when I’ve actually been trying to homeschool properly, I feel like I’m mostly doing it by myself, even though currently I’m doing nothing and have no motivation, I keep trying to get the motivation back, and I try talking to her about it – but it’s just like, whatever she says is the opposite of what I want.
We don’t work the same… she likes to just charge things head on, “if you want to do something do it, don’t complain about it”, but I try to think about things as much as possible.
I feel like she’s aggressive and maybe frustrated or angry with me, it’s like she’s always like “stop whining” – I’m not whining, I’m trying to understand what I’m supposed to do!
And I just get stressed so easily, and feel so pressured… pressured by WHAT?

She’s gets surprised that I’m just always Googling things every day, because I’m curious, because I want to know things, and she gets surprised when I have proper conversations about things with people – and I know it’s like a proud kind of surprise feeling…
Like, she knows me better than most people know their children, which is great, but shouldn’t she NOT be surprised anymore?
Why IS she surprised?

I just so often feel like everyone sees me as the same person I was years ago, before I became a teenager.
I don’t have temper tantrums anymore, I used to try to hit people when I was a kid and I don’t think I’ve tried to hurt my mother for 5 years now.
I was getting really good at not-swearing when I was like 11, but no body believed me, because they didn’t pay attention… then I went back to school and the not-swearing thing kinda went out the window =/
And I don’t know whether I’ve whined about this before, but I always feel like my older siblings (especially my sisters) belittle me – they act like because my opinions MIGHT change later, they don’t matter now.
Um, yes, yes they do. Because I still have feelings. And I still have thoughts. And you did when you were my age, and I’m sure that not all of your feelings and thoughts have changed now!

I don’t really want my parents to come home.
I don’t want them to come home, and interrupt me typing (and occasionally crying).
I don’t want them to be concerned, their concern is annoying, I’m a bit busy here.
Although if they come home now it’ll still be early enough for me to have a shower because I was too scared to while they were out, lol.

I’d like to work through all of the internet pages I have open so I can actually turn my computer off tonight instead of just closing the lid (tis a laptop).
So I guess I should shut up now.

I just… really wish, that I had been homeschooled properly when I was younger, although the things I would’ve done probably wouldn’t have been much different from things I do anyway – read a book, have an opinion about it, do some art and crafts, go outside.
It just seems so much simpler, like these are things I do now but I don’t feel like it counts as work now, I feel like it would’ve when I was a kid… but eventually I’d still have to get up to this shitty part now.
I’m always imagining how I’d like to raise MY kids, how I’d like to homeschool them, things I’d like them to do…
I shouldn’t be thinking about that stuff now, and the reason why I do is because it’s stuff I wish I’d had, and it’s stuff I still wish I had and stuff I’d like to do NOW.

It’s like earlier this year when I got depressed because I had no toys, and I made Mum buy me Beados and Magic Fabric.
But now I want the educational aspect of childhood, which is probably why I spent a whole half of the other day talking about pc games I used to have – I guess I can’t really say that I DIDN’T have the educational aspect of childhood… I did do a lot of the things I would have my own children do, and that I want to do now.
But I’m too old to play with Fatty Bear, just like I’m too old to play with Magic Fabric, which is now sitting in my cupboard somewhere with half of the designs used up.

Although now I totally want to play with some Magic Fabric 😮 I just don’t have anywhere to put all the stupid things I make with it.

What was I complaining about again?

Glory Box (hope chest)

Earlier this year before my 15th birthday, I started planning a glory box – also known as a hope chest (in America I think).
My sister was moving out, and I was getting excited thinking about the shopping and planning they got to do, and my Mum noticed – she also noticed I kept stopping and looking at dinner sets, cups, etc.
So she suggested I start a glory box.

I decided to kinda do it as a homeschooling project – at school the year 10s did an ‘IPP’ I think, which was an individual personal project or something, so its kinda my equivalent.
This is an essay-ish I wrote on it… I have to remember to take the disgusting joke (I suggest you do not Google the italicized word in the brackets) out of it before I show the educational inspector person >>;

A ‘glory box’, also known as a ‘hope chest’ or ‘cedar chest’, was traditionally a collection of items to serve as a girls dowry for when she got married.

Marriages were commonly arranged in exchange for property, business or money from her husband’s family, and the family of the girl would provide all the items required to make a home – and these items would be collected from a young age, and stored in a chest (normally made of cedar to protect the contents within), for easy movability into her new home.

Glory boxes (never to be confused with glory holes..)  are uncommon in today’s families, except very traditional, often religious and/or homeschooling, homes where the glory box is inherited from mother to daughter.

I’ve decided to start a modern glory box for when I move away from home in a few years, instead of for marriage which would be a long way off.

My glory box will include some basic kitchen and dining wares, linen, towels, home-made crafts, and anything I may want to keep to pass onto future children.

This way, when I start on my own for the first time, I don’t have to worry about it not feeling like a home, or scrounging up money for the basics and extras I need when I’m also trying to pay the bond.

And most of the electrical appliances would be gifts from family and friends, so I can just move into a ‘home’ straight away instead of just a ‘house’.

For now I’ll be storing my items in my wardrobe, but I will be getting a chest for my 15th birthday.

And if I keep my chest in good condition, I may be able to give it to a daughter I may have when I’m older – which will be a nice family tradition and way of bonding, especially if I have adopted children.

I have started a list of glory box items assisted by ideas from Mum and the internet.

My Mum and I will be hand making some things for my glory box, such as placemats, Christmas decorations, throws, wall-hangings, and more.



Now, unfortunately I don’t have my chest yet.
My sister has an old chest with pretty Asian-ish carvings someone gave her, but the hinge is broken, and, well, its old.
My sisters friend also has the same or a similar carved chest with a matching coffee table of which I am envious.
I’ve also seen another one in my friends house.
Recently one of the same came into a local store with very nice unusual furniture I’ve been checking in for a while, but on the inside it seemed quite flimsy, like it wouldn’t hold all I would want it to, and the latch didn’t seem to shut properly – so I was disappointed, and didn’t get it 😦
So I’m really not sure about my mode of storage.

Today I’ve been looking at pictures of cute things I’d like to get, or get things that are similarly adorable.
I want to have a house filled with cute things, things that make me happy – living alone (or with a roommate) probably isn’t easy and I want to be surrounded with things that make me smile, not things that are boring and plain.
They’re still practical things, mind you, like measuring cups and tea sets and fry pans, they just are shaped like cats or have pandas on them :3
Most of these adorable items I love are from modcloth.com – which apart from having beautiful 50-style dresses, has home gifts and various books.
I’d love to order some of this stuff, but it can be quite expensive, and the shipping alone would be like over $20 because it’s international.

At the moment in my room I have my baby blanket, a massive knitted throw, and my teddy bear quilt (which I use currently), all made by my Mum.
I also kinda caved and bought some pop-up books for my future children >>; one of them is about warriors, and has an illustration where if you pull a tab someone gets disemboweled, and the other one is ‘Alyss Of Wonderland’, which as it turns out is a companion to a book series ‘The Looking Glass Wars’ which I will have to get now, lol.
I have the cutest half of my Dad’s old elephant collection (little figurines, not real ones) sitting on my desk going dusty, which I will hopefully preserve for my children.

Another great idea is a recipe scrapbook – collect a bunch of recipes I like, put them in a pretty scrapbook full of decorations, maybe some dried herbs and stuff 🙂
With an accompanying practical plastic folder of recipes, to actually follow as a cook – I wouldn’t want my pretty scrapbook getting dirty.

Other things I plan on getting are mugs, glasses, small dinner and cutlery sets, cushions, towels and bathmats, tea towels (which will actually be coloured cloth nappies, like my Mum uses – real ‘tea towels’ are too thin and get soaked!), a sewing box/basket, a toolbox (pink, ofcourse), maybe a cute little emergency kit (yes, they can be cute, too!), some sheets and linens.

And these aren’t things I will be actively hunting for, or spending lots of money on.
It’s stuff I’d buy because it’s on sale, or because I just see something that I think is really special.
Like, mugs are just going to be average, non-expensive things, but I’d like to have a very pretty tea set… although, I should probably start drinking tea O.o; haha.

I’d like to look around IKEA – I think they sell Alessi products there, and I wants me a magic bunny to hold me toothpicks!

I’ve been reading through an old forum on the australian vogue website about glory boxes.
Two things bothered me a little – for starters, all the arguments over feminism… I think feminism is about having a choice, the choice to be a successful woman, to work, and also to be proud of your domestic accomplishments, there is no reason to belittle people that want to make a home.
I would call myself a ‘feminist’, but because I believe we are all equal (although different), not because I think men are lesser, or that traditions or domestic things aren’t important.
Wearing aprons, baking cookies and popping out babies should be just as much a feminist right as having a career and being independent, because it’s about what I want to do, and I can do it all if I want to.
I claim ‘feminist’ as a word of equality and choices, not of man-hating and lesbianism (although the latter is a totally valid choice), just as I claim ‘glory box’ as a term of planning and independence, instead of archaic beliefs and sexism.

Oh, geeze, where did all that seriousness come from?
Anyway, my other problem was that people always warn you against buying things that are patterned, unusual, or likely to go out of fashion…
I know peoples tastes change, but just because something ‘goes out of fashion’, doesn’t mean you won’t like it any more!
Things come in and out of fashion all the time, but I like them all the time – I mean, it’s not like glory boxes are in fashion, but I still want one!
I’m not going to buy a bright red set of sheets, or black towels, but that doesn’t mean everything has to be white.
I mean, they say “buy white things now, and add coloured things later”… you still got the boring white things, now you just got extra coloured things O.o;
In my inspiring pictures, I have a set of plates and bowls that are bright purple with blue and green and brown paisley patterns – by the time I get sick of them, I’ll probably need to buy new ones, or they’ll be good for the childrens table or BBQs…..   hopefully.
But anyway, I like them.
Go colour! Go paisley! Go kittens and pandas and birds! Go horrible decisions that you’ll regret later! BE FREE!!

Anyway, I think thats the end of this blog.
I’d like to add some pictures, but I did a big picture post yesterday about old kids pc games (old referring to the pc game part, not the kids part… that would be weird.)
Now I need a picture of old kid…

“HOWS IT GOIN!?”

(from Invader Zim, btw)

 

PLEASE READ, EDIT::: Okay, in this blog I mentioned the stereotype of feminism being man-hating and lesbianism.
To note that I didn’t have anything against lesbianism, I put ” and lesbianism (although the latter is a totally valid choice)” but thinking about it almost a month later I realised that is even more offensive than if hadn’t added any clarification at all.
Because lesbianism ISN’T A CHOICE, and I know that and always have – it’s just who you are 🙂

Childhood Video Games!

There a lot of video games I remember from my childhood – things for good old Windows 95.
Point and click, semi-educational, often musical fun stuff.
The trouble is I often only remember part of them, and we haven’t had the games for a long time, so it’s very frustrating because I might just have a scrap of noise or an image stuck in my head!

I often talk to my mother about old games trying to remember, and just then she helped me remember Howie’s Tuneland!
A bear is voiced by Howie Mendel and takes you through a little world filled with nursery songs and funny animations.

All I could really remember was the bear, and that when you clicked on the pond the frogs would dance and sing “here we go round and round”, but now that I know what its called and seen pictures, I remember “she’ll be coming round the mountain” and “three blind mice” 🙂

 

I also remember playing Buzzy The Knowledge Bug games, and visiting the Airport, Farm and Jungle!
Playing Anteater Feeder, and another game where you caught chicken eggs in a basket.
Twas also quite educational, ya know, all that colouring in of monkeys and sorting of luggage >>; (ok, and trivia and spelling games)

 

Other games from ‘Humongous Entertainment‘ I loved were Fatty Bear’s Birthday Surprise and Putt Putt And Fatty Bear’s Activity Pack, Putt Putt and Pep’s Balloon-O-Rama, Freddi Fish and Luther’s Maze Madness, Freddi Fish Case Of The Missing Kelp Seeds, Freddi Fish Case Of The Haunted Schoolhouse, and Pajama Sam’s Sock Works!
Let the picture spam commence!

 

Another game I liked as a kid (but couldn’t find very good pictures of) was ‘Funny Monsters For Tea‘.
You were a little boy, and monsters showed up, and stuff happened – not scary threatening stuff, the monsters just wanted to joke around and play some music.
sadly these pics won’t embiggen (thats a technical term) >.<

 

Then there are games I don’t remember much of, or can’t even think of what they’re called.
I remember a green dinosaur sniggering behind its hand, and Mum said it might be from ‘Theres A Dinosaur In The Garden‘, which was one of the Packard Bell games we got with our first computer.
I’m not sure, but I read about a dinosaur eating with a knife and fork in this game, and that rings a bell.

 

A game I couldn’t remember, but just Googled and found results and now remember, is Rumpelstiltskin’s Labyrinth Of The Lost.
Basically the story of Rumpelstiltskin and the miller’s daughter, but she has to go into a Labyrinth to retrieve golden orbs for Rumpelstiltskin (idk why, maybe were for a necklace or for him to trade or make something?), to get him to spin straw into gold for her, and then later she has to go back in to find his name or else he’ll take her child.
There was also optional trivia type questions before you could take an orb.

I think we also had Hansel And Gretel And The Enchanted Castle, but I don’t really remember it so much – I only realise we owned it because it was by the same developer as the Rumpelstiltskin game when I was researching, and the children and title are very familiar.

A game I sadly could not find despite my Googling, is a game featuring a rainbow fairy that glows in the dark.
I remember (I think!) she was blonde, and she wore a little pink dress, and had pretty wings (that she possibly lost at some stage?) and they were rainbow coloured and when it was dark (like when she was in a cave) they glowed in a dark.
There were also other fairy-ish things, like mushrooms and snails and stuff.
I remember she had a whiny little voice and she was like “oh, please! *sob sob*”

Quite a few of the games I mentioned I think you can now download online, but I haven’t tried it yet.
I think one of the Freddi Fish games is on Wii.
I hope this has been vaguely interesting or helped any one else to remember their favourite childhood games!
It makes me wish I had been homeschooled properly as a kid, just so all these games would count towards it, lol >>; I wish I could still play games like these and have it count as work!!

Motivation = Dead (an actual real post of importance, involving what I’m supposed to talk about, which is me, and homeschooling. shocker.)

And so it has been for most of this year.
Most of my life, maybe.

This was supposed to be a year of doing things and having things and being happy.
Mum and Dad got back together, Mum left her job to stay home with me, Dad got a job, and they weren’t going to move in together and start hating each other, and I was going to start homeschooling and DESCHOOLING, to get all that crap out of me.

Then we were forced to move because the house was being sold (we rent), and we ended up in this dodgy place where everything’s cold and wet, the bathroom floors are covered in silastic for the dust to stick to, and the pantry is so big you could live in it but it’s impossible to reach any food or utilise the space.
And it costs the same as a four bedroom two bathroom house with its own beach that just popped up on the market =/

My sister moved back home the other month, robbing me of my study space, and now I’m pushed out into the corner of the dining room with my stupid little desk and squeaky chair, just after I had gotten my real office back into shape and started to muster my motivation! D=
She wanted to bring her mattress instead of being normal and sleeping on the spare bed, so she dumped it on the floor, and when we picked it up the other day there was a large amount of mold growing under it.
And the hot water system sucks… I hate cold showers.

Oh, and histamine intolerance is a bitca, as I have recently discovered.
I should be on a proper diet, because I really don’t want to be walking around at summer time with excema and hives all over my legs.
Just to share with you all.

And… I just find myself to be bitter, and grudge holding, and close to tears a lot of the time, having to think of stupid things every day.
Thinking of stupid things that stupid people at stupid school did to me in their stupidity.
Still angry about my Dad being jobless, living with his parents, which probably all started with my Mum deciding to be a lesbian in her anti-depression medicated state (and this happened like 3 years ago).
Mind you, she probably would’ve become a lesbian anyway, just not have been so “la di da everythings fine” about it.
Constantly frustrated and disappointed with my siblings, even though they don’t really live with me anymore (minus temporary younger-older sister staying), I always think about what they did/said when/where.

And homeschooling is wigging me out, even though I’m barely doing anything.
Earlier this year the home edu lady gave me a “get out of school free” card until the end of NEXT year, because I was enthusiastic and creative, but when that time comes I’m going to actually have something to show for it.
I lost the motivation to do my lessons properly about the same time I lost motivation at school (early/mid ‘term 2’), and I didn’t even have people harassing me here, and I actually CHOSE the work I was doing.

I had exciting projects, studying a country a month, learning about Gustav Klimt, designing fashion and reading Jane Austen.
But somehow my excitement went away and I was just left with “I don’t care”.
And that was my state, thats what I said to everything, school-related at least.
Because, whats the point?
I don’t HATE doing Maths, but I saw no point in it, I wasn’t going to use it.
I liked the idea of my ‘monthly country’ thing, but the work was frustrating, the research and the organizing… I can be fairly OCD/perfectionist, but at the same time I just get sick of things and give up.
Somehow I just didn’t REALLY care about anything, as nice as the ideas were or as interesting and exciting I tried to make it.

At best I’d draw, and do some English, and sew, because thats what I liked.
I’ve been trying to get back into it, but it’s really hard.
Mum told me just to do what I wanted, but I feel like that’s not enough.
My problem is I don’t know if I feel so incredibly stressed (my TMJ clicks like a… idk, something that clicks) because I’m not doing enough to satisfy myself or if I’m not doing enough to satisfy someone elses idea of what my education should be!
And thats been my problem for months now.

I guess I can’t be TOO unmotivated if I managed to spew all this out, but it’s taken a long time to get around to it, yet I’ve barely talked about anything, really.
I’m just frustrated with this half-life I’m living… I’m in limbo.

I also wasn’t too unmotivated to kick the crap out of The Legend Of Zelda : Ocarina Of Time for Nintendo 64! =3
except now I’m realising my Nintendo thumb hasn’t been painfully swollen in a while… I don’t think I’ve even played it for a week.
Even my gaming motivation is wavering T-T damn Gerudo guards!

Anyway, I’m hoping that my 15th birthday brings some sort of… rebirth.
I like to think it’ll bring the year that this year should’ve been.
I like to think I’ll kill my lazy depression with overflowing happiness and joy.
But we got half a year more in this house of fail… sigh.

Aaaand… if I keep going on, the word count of this blog will be double the amount of pages in the book I just read (which was awesome, btw, although I’m probably about to make a blog and complain about it)
I have to dry the dishes now.