an excerpt from a private post

this is so like a diary post and i don’t know if it’s appropriate to make public comments about other people like this, even if it’s anonymous. i don’t think either of them know i even have a blog but if they ever were aware of it, if i ever shared a link, it wouldn’t be too hard to find.
i know people who did get fired for writing things about their bosses and co-workers… i don’t give a crap about my teachers (in fact i hate them more and more with every day i think of them) but i wouldn’t want to hurt my chances of getting in a musical… or employment i suppose.
i’ve probably said the same or worse about these people in the past though… maybe it’s time to delete this blog.

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I am here for myself, but you’re welcome.

The only blog I follow is Daily Prompt from when I was trying to do Post a Week 2011.
Today’s prompt, and possibly the only one I have responded to, is Personal Space.

Who is my blog for?
Even though I clearly write with other people in mind, my blog is for me.
Sometimes people viewing my blog is more frustrating than not.
I get most of the traffick on my blog from subjects I’m no longer interested in, or from people obviously looking for something else. I’ve even hidden/deleted some of those posts.
There are noticable trends on my blog I suppose – for a while I thought on religion often, now it’s feminism. This is organic, it’s just something that happens to be around me.
Sometimes I do try to bring some consistency (and dare I say marketability) to my blog, for example the ‘things I see on Facebook’ posts, but it never becomes a regular output.
And then there are posts that are obviously personal, emotional vents… theres a lot of that.
There are also posts that I want to reach people for another reason, to start discussion or to raise an issue.
It would probably help if I actually categorized my posts, but I’ve never tried.

Looking at lot of my old posts, they’re honestly quite dull (who am I kidding, this one is too) but more than that, they don’t always sound like something I would say or how I would say it… I guess I did change in the last 3 or 4 years. I was also pressured to write a lot back then, a bit like it was a diary, even though I don’t believe in diaries.
I also used to group topics together into one blog instead of giving them individual attention when I actually felt like writing about them.
So I prefer to tap 70 words a minute on my iPhone and barely give anyone any background on what I am yelling about. Hahaha, mysterious am I.

I do want to know how I can make my blog better, but I find there is some value in everything I write and I don’t want to lose anything even if I’m not fond of old posts.
I don’t know if I want more people to take interest in my blog or not.

I just don’t even know AGAIN.

Mum keeps nagging me about using my blog.
Fair enough if its school or quilting stuff, but I don’t want my personal stuff on here anymore.
Whats the point of writing about things that upset me, or that I’ve already talked to my mother about (except for the fact shes tried of listening to me)?
Or maybe I want to put that on a different blog and make sure theres just one for school/quilting.
I really don’t know what to do or how to go about it.
Every diary I’ve had I’ve ripped into a million shreds because it’s a pointless black hole of alternating boring and depressing bullshit, why is this different?

I just went through my emails and my accounts on various things, made a new msn, so that when I am ready I can dive in.
I got sad looking through my YouTube account because I used to make music videos using movie clips, and upload them – my total video views are 1 million, I have over 100 subscribers, and while thats not much compared to actual popular people onYT, it made me feel a little proud.
I won’t use it, but I can’t delete it, and it’s existance makes starting again pointless.
I should atleast save some of my videos from the wrath of copyright infringement laws >>; but I’m a bit lazy, once again.

*sigh*

TO DO IN THE UNDETERMINED FUTURE :
post about heart blocks lap quilt
post about spa kit
post about depression
post about hour a day plan
post about sketching and other artwork

and something that causes me a little bit of worry : if I post pictures of my artwork, will some bugger with no taste knick them???

I just don’t even know…

I have no idea whats going on with this blog anymore.

I’ve been rather depressed lately and I just don’t feel like writing.
I’m fighting my way out of this shittiness, but I don’t know when it will be that I actually pick up writing regularly.
I just figured I should drop a few lines (of cocaine… no) while I was on here looking for a link.

Pretty sure I’ve failed Post A Week 2011 epically.

I wish I did feel like finishing the posts I sort’ve left half-done, but I don’t.
…. could play some more Sims >>; lol

But I’m trying to get outside and exercise, I’ve printed out some schoolwork, I’m going to cut out junk and things I’m allergic too – the problem is things that are healthy that I like to eat like fruits I can’t always have because of allergies so it’s better to eat plain crisps…. heehee. Not that I like crisps that much. I’m a chocolate person… I still have Easter chocolate to go through, slowly, of course.

Anyway hopefully all of that will help me feel better, be more healthy, etc

Tragic Clown

I need to have something to show for what I’ve done by September (I think).
But I don’t know how to do that.
I mean, I can print out book reports, and put them in a folder.
I can print out math test results and certificates.
I can cut and paste and paint.
I can sew quilts.
But theres all these little things I do, like my constant research, that Mum says I should have something to show for, because it matters.
But it doesn’t feel like it does.
She wrote down everything I did so far today (it’s only 11am) in the diary and told me it all counts and I need to write it down and do something about it.
Like apparently this morning I’ve talked about attitudes towards mental health, smoking, and career paths.
I brushed my teeth and washed my face. I fed and played with the cat. I made Mum a cup of tea. I made my bed. I looked at my sisters dinosaur egg that hatches in water.
But these are things I do every single day, do they count as anything?
It just seems like bullshit.

Mum wants me to write a blog about the Sims.
She’d just finished a hanjie puzzle (you shade squares to make a picture) thats title was ‘sad’, and I thought it looked like a clown.
So I started thinking about the Tragic Clown painting from the original Sims game.
(It’s not just an ordinary painting, it comes to life and haunts you!)
Then I Googled it, found the article on SimsWiki, and started telling her about it.
And I do this stuff all the time, I just Google stuff, stuff about the kitten, stuff about diseases, stuff about games or songs or serial killers, whatever I feel like.
I do this so often how am I supposed to keep track or write something about each subject?
Although I guess it is educational – I don’t think there is ever a day when I don’t learn something.

*sigh* so, The Sims.
I moved all my games over to my new external harddrive, but I was impatient and instead of copying I just cut-and-paste.
I free’d up a little less than half of my laptops space, which is pretty good, as its back to the level it maintained for years before the sudden build up.
I have played Fable : The Lost Chapters straight of the external drive and it works, I just need to keep the save file on my actual computer.
None of The Sims 2 games would work, because they didn’t know where anything was, couldn’t communicate with the other expansion packs, etc.
It’s a really complicated game, when you have 6 packs on a base game, files in different locations, custom content, back-ups.
I decided to uninstall and reinstall, but discovered I was missing my original Sims 2 base game.
I’m pretty sure my sister borrowed it… I shouldn’t have let her, I’m so mad at myself.
No idea where it is, just that it doesn’t seem to be in the house.
So I decided to just uninstall all my Sims games, and upgrade to The Sims 3, maybe look into getting Sims 2 off eBay (as its now impossible to find elsewhere) or such.
The uninstall files wouldn’t work so I had to manually delete every single scrap of data baring ‘sims’ or ‘ea’, and hope it’d all work out.
I’ve been playing Sims on the ps2 until I can install 3 onto my computer (hopefully straight onto my external harddrive).
Although, it sounds like my sister and her boyfriend might be breaking up again so I might not be able to borrow his disc >>; dang.

But anyway, as upset I am at the (hopefully temporary) loss of my Sims 2 games, I have an excuse and the space to get The Sims 3!
It’s a prequel to the original Sims, interestingly enough, and I wanna see a little Bella and Mortimer running around!
The Goths are a very cool series-spanning story, although I never played with them that much, and never found the missing Bella, or a Bella clone, or any of that weird stuff… wish I could now I can’t =/
And the Tragic Clown apparently makes an interesting return – I wonder if you can have his babies O.o;

1,000 views! how excitement!

Yes, I did mean to say excitement, I is not a stupid.

Cars, TAFE, and Linear Naevus Syndrome

Oh, look, I found it!
Yes, I’m late again, but I’ll make sure to do another post on Sunday and restore balance.
This may be disjointed as it covers many topics, and is interrupted by an incredibly loving cat on my lap, and the need for food as I have been abandoned by my mummy so she can go gamble (mum went to bingo, I stayed home D= ).

So, for my birthday this year I’ll be getting driving lessons! (and bras, the two things every 16 year old girl needs)
It’s not something I’ve really looked forward to, but lately I’ve been thinking how nice it would be to get around on my own, drive to tafe, drive to work, go shopping, etc.
And both Mum and Dad have been talking about getting new cars, so I’ve been helping look.
And theeen I started looking for myself >>;
I mean, I won’t be able to drive my own car by myself for around two years, and I don’t have a job or any money yet, but I’m thinking how cute it’d be to have a little Beetle.
So my current mental plan is get job > save all my money > buy sisters old car > if money not used in travel buy Beetle/nicer car.
EDIT :: oh, now I realise why my sisters trying to fob her old car off on me, its crap >>;

I’ve also been thinking about TAFE – my education board lady told me that kids my age get government money for doing a TAFE course as alternative to school.
Theres a new TAFE building in my town, but the only courses really available (that I would be remotely interested/competent in) are business and aged care.
Old people scare me, and they’re depressing – I just have this memory of visiting my Poppa in his care home and he was deaf and bruised and smelly and all of the other old people were so clingy because no one visited them.
And business…. neh, my friends doing one but she’ll be finished by the time I start if I do business.

If I go further into the city to go to TAFE, I could do more – child care, beauty therapy, cooking.
But only if it’s at/around the same time as my sisters, because she’d have to drive me.
I can’t do any kind of cooking course yet because if its like a proper commercial cooking one, its full-on, you’re working all the time, I’d need to drive myself around and be able to handle so much working.
My sisters doing beauty therapy and I can’t do the same thing as her.
Back to child/aged care and business.
I think I might do child care this year in the city, then business/aged care next year at home.
I can always look at ONLINE courses too, I haven’t done that yet.

Err, in any case, better start looking for a job….
I’m not ready yet!! I’VE MISSED TOO MANY YEARS OF MY LIFE WITH THIS MOVING AROUND CRAP AND I CAN’T FOCUS ON HOMESCHOOL IF I NEED TO GET A JOB SO I CAN LEARN TO DRIVE AND GO TO TAFE!!! T-T fml
It just pisses me off so much because it has nothing to do with me, yet it practically cripples my life.
I could’ve just powered on and done everything by myself, but I don’t want to, and I shouldn’t HAVE to!

*emo-ness over*
I think I’ll have to write the rest of this tomorrow.
Glee is on followed by House, I still need to eat, then I need to shower, and Turbo is chasing me back and forth between my room and the lounge, purring and jumping on my lap.
She’s probably in heat >>;
Okay, changing my original line up of topics.
So, yesterday Mum had an old friend visit her, and Mum was telling her stories about all her husbands/boyfriends/girlfriend, and her kids – I was in my room listening thinking she should just write a book about it lol.
Anyway, later on I was thinking how lucky I was to be the youngest – I had the best biological Dad, who was neither sickly nor crazy nor dead.
So I was like “yippee! I’m the perfectly healthy one! with all my normal organs and everything!”

Um, no, because then Mum reminded me I had her genes too, and apart from stupid allergies, I have something like ‘linear naevus (sebaceous) syndrome / epidermal nevus syndrome’.
Oh, so THATS why I went to the doctor when I was little – I don’t have many memories of it, mostly my bandaid from my blood test making me itchy, and my brother blowing into a tube (that was a whole other issue).
I don’t know if I was told anything, or if I was old enough to understand if I was – everynow and then Mum says something about ‘linear naevus’ but I just thought she was making it up.

Anyway, linear naevus syndrome – I have blotches of lumpy dry skin (I think they call it ‘plaque’) that runs in a line down in the inside of my left arm, I also have some blotches of dis-pigmentation (white skin), also on my arms… possibly on my tummy but that could be a chicken pox.
I just thought they were dry skin and birth marks – but my brother has these too, but worse.
We’re lucky we don’t have more of it all over, or on our eyes, or on our faces, or in a bald patch on our heads!
My Mum gave me a e-mail from the doctor we saw when we were little, and it says Mum and my brother and I all have a mild form of this linear naevus syndrome, and that we have a 50% chance of passing it on to our children.
But if we pass it on to our children it could be mild like ours, or worse, because other things related to this syndrome are autism and other mental retardation, seizures, and I think possible physical deformities (my brother has a concave/funnel chest, but said to not be related).

Anyway, its rare, and people don’t know much about it – trying to Google it I found threads of scared mothers with kids who had (non-linear) naevus sebaceous, which is generally just like a patch of bald pinkish skin on their heads, and the doctors were telling them to get it removed in case it became cancerous, and some people who had grown up with it never knowing what it was until they were like 30.

I might put a photo of my arm later if it helps anyone.

I’m having trouble writing, probably because I have so much to write that I feel like I’m writing TOO much so I just shouldn’t at all – I do the same thing with comments on thing, I’ll write a comment then just backspace it and give up altogether.
Also, I’m kinda more interested in playing The Sims 2 and watching Bones, and also trying to train myself to never ever pick my face ever again…
So, next post, which I may do tomorrow, because this was really all supposed to be one big post but I just can’t do it because it’s taking too long and I keep picking up new topics and….
Anyway, next post, my ‘science project’, and maybe about my computer and a funny picture from my game.

 

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