Thought Collection

I’ve been back in class for two days now, the holidays were very long and I crammed some work in on Monday to make it feel like I did something productive.
I haven’t really felt anxiety at all but I am still, to a lesser extent than when I wrote about it last, anxious about experiencing anxiety… ha.
I’m waiting for the day something bothers me and I don’t finish my course.

I don’t hate my course, but I’m looking forward to doing other things when it ends.
It seems like there are issues with the whole learning process, apart from personal ones like clashing with others or not liking to be criticised, stuff like being told how but not why, or being given things and not really told what to do with them, or not knowing when you’re going to learn certain things.
I enjoy doing the workbooks, but then you’re told Oh that should be in caps and have a specific header and a filepath… the workbook never says so, we just like it that way.
Anyway, I spend some time thinking about and searching for other courses to do.

I’d like to study a variety of things in not very large amounts.
It’d be nice to have a basic knowledge of biology, psychology, art…
And then I get cranky because isn’t that what I would basically get if I was in highschool? So I think about completing year 10, somehow, which I could have just done if I tolerated highschool for longer.
I always thought Women’s Education would be kinda useless because I’m not a middle aged woman, but they get to talk about social issues and write papers, they also learn how to use a computer so then I think if I was going to bother I should have done that before a business class.

I’m having trouble finding online courses to do, or courses to do at all… you go, oooh theres a certificate II in visual arts… 4 hours away. Animal studies? not in your town. You can however learn to wipe old peoples bottoms. Exciting.
And I reckon courses outside of TAFE would be more expensive and maybe not as good.

Another issue is the point of most study is to get a career… ‘career outcome’, ‘career path’… I don’t really want one.
I don’t think I’d want to continue business into cert III, even though it’s a logical thing to do and could continue onto the cert IV I wanted.
I had a plan, Cert IV Advertising/Marketing, but I don’t know if I want to spend hundreds or thousands on an education I won’t use or enjoy.
The adult world is damn scary, man.

I feel oddly alone.

That might be because I’m the only one in the house >>; lol

But, what I really mean is, I feel like I’ve been strangely ‘alone’ for most of my life.
Since I stopped going to school after 1 year when I was 7, my Mum has always said “we’re homeschooled” or “we’re unschooled” but I really don’t feel like I have been.
(don’t know what unschooling is?
I feel ‘unschooled’, but not in the way it should feel.
I mean, my memories probably aren’t accurate, and I’m probably taking how I feel now, or how I felt when Mum was working, and applying it to the past…
But I feel like I was just sort’ve left alone, that I was raised by myself… and the computer, and the television, and the sega or the playstation.
For my first 10 or 11 years of life, I was always home with my mother, she was always there, but I don’t feel like she’s taught me anything or really helped me learn.
I’ve learned by myself, and I feel, and I think that I act and have the understanding of an ‘educated’ person, but at the same time I don’t feel like I am… because I’m not.
And I’m confused.

And now, this year, when I’ve actually been trying to homeschool properly, I feel like I’m mostly doing it by myself, even though currently I’m doing nothing and have no motivation, I keep trying to get the motivation back, and I try talking to her about it – but it’s just like, whatever she says is the opposite of what I want.
We don’t work the same… she likes to just charge things head on, “if you want to do something do it, don’t complain about it”, but I try to think about things as much as possible.
I feel like she’s aggressive and maybe frustrated or angry with me, it’s like she’s always like “stop whining” – I’m not whining, I’m trying to understand what I’m supposed to do!
And I just get stressed so easily, and feel so pressured… pressured by WHAT?

She’s gets surprised that I’m just always Googling things every day, because I’m curious, because I want to know things, and she gets surprised when I have proper conversations about things with people – and I know it’s like a proud kind of surprise feeling…
Like, she knows me better than most people know their children, which is great, but shouldn’t she NOT be surprised anymore?
Why IS she surprised?

I just so often feel like everyone sees me as the same person I was years ago, before I became a teenager.
I don’t have temper tantrums anymore, I used to try to hit people when I was a kid and I don’t think I’ve tried to hurt my mother for 5 years now.
I was getting really good at not-swearing when I was like 11, but no body believed me, because they didn’t pay attention… then I went back to school and the not-swearing thing kinda went out the window =/
And I don’t know whether I’ve whined about this before, but I always feel like my older siblings (especially my sisters) belittle me – they act like because my opinions MIGHT change later, they don’t matter now.
Um, yes, yes they do. Because I still have feelings. And I still have thoughts. And you did when you were my age, and I’m sure that not all of your feelings and thoughts have changed now!

I don’t really want my parents to come home.
I don’t want them to come home, and interrupt me typing (and occasionally crying).
I don’t want them to be concerned, their concern is annoying, I’m a bit busy here.
Although if they come home now it’ll still be early enough for me to have a shower because I was too scared to while they were out, lol.

I’d like to work through all of the internet pages I have open so I can actually turn my computer off tonight instead of just closing the lid (tis a laptop).
So I guess I should shut up now.

I just… really wish, that I had been homeschooled properly when I was younger, although the things I would’ve done probably wouldn’t have been much different from things I do anyway – read a book, have an opinion about it, do some art and crafts, go outside.
It just seems so much simpler, like these are things I do now but I don’t feel like it counts as work now, I feel like it would’ve when I was a kid… but eventually I’d still have to get up to this shitty part now.
I’m always imagining how I’d like to raise MY kids, how I’d like to homeschool them, things I’d like them to do…
I shouldn’t be thinking about that stuff now, and the reason why I do is because it’s stuff I wish I’d had, and it’s stuff I still wish I had and stuff I’d like to do NOW.

It’s like earlier this year when I got depressed because I had no toys, and I made Mum buy me Beados and Magic Fabric.
But now I want the educational aspect of childhood, which is probably why I spent a whole half of the other day talking about pc games I used to have – I guess I can’t really say that I DIDN’T have the educational aspect of childhood… I did do a lot of the things I would have my own children do, and that I want to do now.
But I’m too old to play with Fatty Bear, just like I’m too old to play with Magic Fabric, which is now sitting in my cupboard somewhere with half of the designs used up.

Although now I totally want to play with some Magic Fabric 😮 I just don’t have anywhere to put all the stupid things I make with it.

What was I complaining about again?