I don’t wanna deal with anything

I’ve done two performances today and I’m feeling completely over it.
Yeah, I’m very tired, and I’ll probably feel better by next performance.
But once I get an idea in my head I kind of stick stubbornly to it for a while…
Theres just so many things that I can’t control, and sometimes how I feel is one them.
I’m scared of myself, I don’t want to be frustrated and I don’t want other people to see that.
And I’m scared that some little thing might trigger some sort of anxiety or depression – I might not be writing this now if someone didn’t do this or I didn’t do that.
At the moment I feel… I don’t know if I can handle this, if I want to be in another musical, if I will like studying or the people I have to be around.
I remember feeling a little like this at times during rehearsals but didn’t drop out because responsibility, and I guess I’m glad I didn’t.
But I’m just filled with so much ‘DO NOT WANT’ and most of the time too.

In short, I am Grumpy Cat.

Motivation = Dead (an actual real post of importance, involving what I’m supposed to talk about, which is me, and homeschooling. shocker.)

And so it has been for most of this year.
Most of my life, maybe.

This was supposed to be a year of doing things and having things and being happy.
Mum and Dad got back together, Mum left her job to stay home with me, Dad got a job, and they weren’t going to move in together and start hating each other, and I was going to start homeschooling and DESCHOOLING, to get all that crap out of me.

Then we were forced to move because the house was being sold (we rent), and we ended up in this dodgy place where everything’s cold and wet, the bathroom floors are covered in silastic for the dust to stick to, and the pantry is so big you could live in it but it’s impossible to reach any food or utilise the space.
And it costs the same as a four bedroom two bathroom house with its own beach that just popped up on the market =/

My sister moved back home the other month, robbing me of my study space, and now I’m pushed out into the corner of the dining room with my stupid little desk and squeaky chair, just after I had gotten my real office back into shape and started to muster my motivation! D=
She wanted to bring her mattress instead of being normal and sleeping on the spare bed, so she dumped it on the floor, and when we picked it up the other day there was a large amount of mold growing under it.
And the hot water system sucks… I hate cold showers.

Oh, and histamine intolerance is a bitca, as I have recently discovered.
I should be on a proper diet, because I really don’t want to be walking around at summer time with excema and hives all over my legs.
Just to share with you all.

And… I just find myself to be bitter, and grudge holding, and close to tears a lot of the time, having to think of stupid things every day.
Thinking of stupid things that stupid people at stupid school did to me in their stupidity.
Still angry about my Dad being jobless, living with his parents, which probably all started with my Mum deciding to be a lesbian in her anti-depression medicated state (and this happened like 3 years ago).
Mind you, she probably would’ve become a lesbian anyway, just not have been so “la di da everythings fine” about it.
Constantly frustrated and disappointed with my siblings, even though they don’t really live with me anymore (minus temporary younger-older sister staying), I always think about what they did/said when/where.

And homeschooling is wigging me out, even though I’m barely doing anything.
Earlier this year the home edu lady gave me a “get out of school free” card until the end of NEXT year, because I was enthusiastic and creative, but when that time comes I’m going to actually have something to show for it.
I lost the motivation to do my lessons properly about the same time I lost motivation at school (early/mid ‘term 2’), and I didn’t even have people┬áharassing┬áme here, and I actually CHOSE the work I was doing.

I had exciting projects, studying a country a month, learning about Gustav Klimt, designing fashion and reading Jane Austen.
But somehow my excitement went away and I was just left with “I don’t care”.
And that was my state, thats what I said to everything, school-related at least.
Because, whats the point?
I don’t HATE doing Maths, but I saw no point in it, I wasn’t going to use it.
I liked the idea of my ‘monthly country’ thing, but the work was frustrating, the research and the organizing… I can be fairly OCD/perfectionist, but at the same time I just get sick of things and give up.
Somehow I just didn’t REALLY care about anything, as nice as the ideas were or as interesting and exciting I tried to make it.

At best I’d draw, and do some English, and sew, because thats what I liked.
I’ve been trying to get back into it, but it’s really hard.
Mum told me just to do what I wanted, but I feel like that’s not enough.
My problem is I don’t know if I feel so incredibly stressed (my TMJ clicks like a… idk, something that clicks) because I’m not doing enough to satisfy myself or if I’m not doing enough to satisfy someone elses idea of what my education should be!
And thats been my problem for months now.

I guess I can’t be TOO unmotivated if I managed to spew all this out, but it’s taken a long time to get around to it, yet I’ve barely talked about anything, really.
I’m just frustrated with this half-life I’m living… I’m in limbo.

I also wasn’t too unmotivated to kick the crap out of The Legend Of Zelda : Ocarina Of Time for Nintendo 64! =3
except now I’m realising my Nintendo thumb hasn’t been painfully swollen in a while… I don’t think I’ve even played it for a week.
Even my gaming motivation is wavering T-T damn Gerudo guards!

Anyway, I’m hoping that my 15th birthday brings some sort of… rebirth.
I like to think it’ll bring the year that this year should’ve been.
I like to think I’ll kill my lazy depression with overflowing happiness and joy.
But we got half a year more in this house of fail… sigh.

Aaaand… if I keep going on, the word count of this blog will be double the amount of pages in the book I just read (which was awesome, btw, although I’m probably about to make a blog and complain about it)
I have to dry the dishes now.