Thought Collection

I’ve been back in class for two days now, the holidays were very long and I crammed some work in on Monday to make it feel like I did something productive.
I haven’t really felt anxiety at all but I am still, to a lesser extent than when I wrote about it last, anxious about experiencing anxiety… ha.
I’m waiting for the day something bothers me and I don’t finish my course.

I don’t hate my course, but I’m looking forward to doing other things when it ends.
It seems like there are issues with the whole learning process, apart from personal ones like clashing with others or not liking to be criticised, stuff like being told how but not why, or being given things and not really told what to do with them, or not knowing when you’re going to learn certain things.
I enjoy doing the workbooks, but then you’re told Oh that should be in caps and have a specific header and a filepath… the workbook never says so, we just like it that way.
Anyway, I spend some time thinking about and searching for other courses to do.

I’d like to study a variety of things in not very large amounts.
It’d be nice to have a basic knowledge of biology, psychology, art…
And then I get cranky because isn’t that what I would basically get if I was in highschool? So I think about completing year 10, somehow, which I could have just done if I tolerated highschool for longer.
I always thought Women’s Education would be kinda useless because I’m not a middle aged woman, but they get to talk about social issues and write papers, they also learn how to use a computer so then I think if I was going to bother I should have done that before a business class.

I’m having trouble finding online courses to do, or courses to do at all… you go, oooh theres a certificate II in visual arts… 4 hours away. Animal studies? not in your town. You can however learn to wipe old peoples bottoms. Exciting.
And I reckon courses outside of TAFE would be more expensive and maybe not as good.

Another issue is the point of most study is to get a career… ‘career outcome’, ‘career path’… I don’t really want one.
I don’t think I’d want to continue business into cert III, even though it’s a logical thing to do and could continue onto the cert IV I wanted.
I had a plan, Cert IV Advertising/Marketing, but I don’t know if I want to spend hundreds or thousands on an education I won’t use or enjoy.
The adult world is damn scary, man.

I don’t wanna deal with anything

I’ve done two performances today and I’m feeling completely over it.
Yeah, I’m very tired, and I’ll probably feel better by next performance.
But once I get an idea in my head I kind of stick stubbornly to it for a while…
Theres just so many things that I can’t control, and sometimes how I feel is one them.
I’m scared of myself, I don’t want to be frustrated and I don’t want other people to see that.
And I’m scared that some little thing might trigger some sort of anxiety or depression – I might not be writing this now if someone didn’t do this or I didn’t do that.
At the moment I feel… I don’t know if I can handle this, if I want to be in another musical, if I will like studying or the people I have to be around.
I remember feeling a little like this at times during rehearsals but didn’t drop out because responsibility, and I guess I’m glad I didn’t.
But I’m just filled with so much ‘DO NOT WANT’ and most of the time too.

In short, I am Grumpy Cat.

I just don’t even know AGAIN.

Mum keeps nagging me about using my blog.
Fair enough if its school or quilting stuff, but I don’t want my personal stuff on here anymore.
Whats the point of writing about things that upset me, or that I’ve already talked to my mother about (except for the fact shes tried of listening to me)?
Or maybe I want to put that on a different blog and make sure theres just one for school/quilting.
I really don’t know what to do or how to go about it.
Every diary I’ve had I’ve ripped into a million shreds because it’s a pointless black hole of alternating boring and depressing bullshit, why is this different?

I just went through my emails and my accounts on various things, made a new msn, so that when I am ready I can dive in.
I got sad looking through my YouTube account because I used to make music videos using movie clips, and upload them – my total video views are 1 million, I have over 100 subscribers, and while thats not much compared to actual popular people onYT, it made me feel a little proud.
I won’t use it, but I can’t delete it, and it’s existance makes starting again pointless.
I should atleast save some of my videos from the wrath of copyright infringement laws >>; but I’m a bit lazy, once again.

*sigh*

TO DO IN THE UNDETERMINED FUTURE :
post about heart blocks lap quilt
post about spa kit
post about depression
post about hour a day plan
post about sketching and other artwork

and something that causes me a little bit of worry : if I post pictures of my artwork, will some bugger with no taste knick them???

Facebook Depression

I’ve already posted today but that was really a nothing post, you know?
I’m just feeling depressed right now and I need to.. do something about it.
This might make me feel worse, but maybe getting it out here will make it easier to sleep without dwelling on things.

I’ve spent the last hour looking up ‘Facebook depresses me’ and ‘Facebook depression’ on Google.
I was already feeling a bit frustrated and stressed because of my stupid video game, and forcing myself to watch NCIS when I didn’t want to, and probably just a bunch of other little things.
It’s generally tense with all the stuff always going on here anyway.

My sister came home and said there was this horrible FB page made by kids from the local school trashing my sisters friend and generally being nasty.
So my sisters friend made a page hating that page, but was also against bullying in general.
I looked through the friends and liker or whatever, and counted 12 I felt had contributed to bullying me in some way, INCLUDING my sisters friend!
It’s only wrong when it happens to you or someone you like, huh?
I guess they just didn’t know what they were doing.

We used to be in the same class, and she and her friends did stuff like cornering me in P.E and asking me personal questions, telling me people *liked* me when they didn’t.
I didn’t fall for it, but I tended to slip up and say too much when I should’ve ignored them just because it was such a sudden attack! =/

Anyway, so I was thinking about all of that crap.
Then I was looking through my list of ‘recommended friends’ and ‘friends of friends’.
And I just saw a bunch of people I disliked – that I felt hurt by, that had hurt friends or family, or that I had heard bad things about.
Few names made me smile, and if they did it was in a sad way like ‘why arent we friends’, or ‘I wish things went differently’.
I mean, the real smiles were actually for people I BARELY knew, that I had just heard good things about or heard or seen them do something funny or nice.

Sometimes Mum suggests moving to a different area of SA, or a different state.
I kinda like the idea, but then I think “but these people I’m friends with on FB that I could be REAL friends with I’ll never see!”
But, I’m NOT real friends with them, and why should that change soon?
I get too scared to try, atleast not more than once, why can’t they try? because they already have friends, I doubt they actively seek more 😦

I mean, there are those two sisters I like that I actually hang out with sometimes, but I haven’t seen them in like two months and I’m getting scared and depressed and too nervous to try much.
I WANT to see them atleast once a month.
I keep thinking “I’ll ask them this weekend”, but my life (well, I dont really have one, but the lives of those around me) is so busy lately (not that *I* have anything to do).

The idea of moving away is looking pretty friendly right now in any case – the idea of deleting my old friends or FB all together, and never seeing the names, faces or comments of all those dislikable people!
I just want to get rid of all these memories.
If I didn’t have FB, and be constantly confronted with my ‘friends’ existances, I might not even think about them, or want to spend time with them.
I won’t get jealous, or sad, or lonely, because theres no reason.
I’m probably less lonely not thinking about the rest of the world!

I’ve lived without Facebook before.
But I just don’t know if I can do it.
If I did, I might just make another account, but only with people I REALLY like, and with no information about myself -.-

All I know is that my experiences with other kids, and sometimes the internet, (and the knowledge of my sisters experiences), has left me bitter, anxious, antisocial, introverted, distrustful and paranoid.
But I feel thats all with good reason, is it a bad thing I have a sense of self preservation?
I mean, I’m not paranoid, because they obviously ARE out to get me!
I just don’t want anymore bad thoughts.
I don’t want to get teary while I try and fall asleep anymore.