Ughh when i touch my nose behind my eyes hurt and they twitch…


I just want to give up.
Like I think I said the other day, which everyone ignores (well they probably can’t do anything about it but they could try), I might, MIGHT have time to clear my ears between now and information night / auditions, I can’t try to clear my ears while taking singing lessons / practicing for the auditions because it just draws my attention to the problem, but my ears hurt and everythings dull and it’s just becoming unbearable.
I’m freaking out and so miserable with it. Blocked nose on top of everything else. Spending two nights barely being able to breathe or sleep at all is so good for me.
I just want to stay home and do nothing. I want to stay home and BE ALONE so if I do want to do anything I can without the added stress of working around somebody else.
I’m going to have to call my singing teacher and say I can’t come because I’ll just cry if I do, but I can’t bring myself to do it at all… It just seems like too little too late, I don’t know whats worse – showing up and wasting her time or not showing up and wasting her time. Here I am wasting time typing this… I just have no excuse though.
If I wasn’t mortified that dad might overhear my phone call, I’d tell her he doesn’t want me to go, at least that has some kind of authority.
I’m too mortified anyway, if you have to call and tell someone you’re wussing out because you’re too sick/upset/stressed, you don’t want anyone to hear. I just want my mummy.

It’s frustrating that when you text someone because you can’t call them they’re not going to treat it with the same urgency as a call, if they’re even aware of it… Texting mum to talk about whether I should cancel my singing lesson is basically an example of why I can’t cancel my singing lesson.

I don’t want to compromise, I just want what I want.
I know it’s silly because I should just say “this is interfering with what I’m trying to do”.
Like how I was charging my phone for the night at the only scrap of convenient space away from my bed, and dad puts the clothes airer right in the way… I move it back to my room lest I hurt myself trying to get to it.
So like here I am typing this.
Probs wouldn’t be sleeping with the baby crying anyway, but.
And that doesn’t solve the feeling of self consciousness and inability to move freely that is like part of each and every day in this house.
I’m supposed to be taking these oil capsules, and they’re really really quite fiddly to take – if I have any room to keep them and use them conveniently the 1-3 times a day I’m meant to take them, I’m scared of people coming near me or talking to me while I’m doing it since I gagged on one after they decided to what stand around the tiny kitchen and watch me take it…

To anyone suffering delusions about “anti-vaxxers”…

There are many reasons to refuse/delay some or all vaccines, including religious beliefs, veganism, natural living, allergies, family history, doctors that can’t answer your fking questions, and not wanting to associate with people who abuse others… Jenny McCarthy is not one of those reasons to most non-vaxxers. You having no respect for others isn’t her fault. Maybe YOUR ignorance is though, maybe you are the one pretending a celebrity is the gospel on vaccinations.

“I have respect for people who can SCIENCE blahblahblah” you’d say?
Because having a tiny fraction of understanding solely reserved for those just like you is what we should all aim for, you’re a fking saint.

I have the feeling that my ears are blocked all the time now and I’m just ignoring it… It really worries me that any attempt to unblock my ears will just stress me out and draw my attention to it so I feel more self conscious… I’m trying not to think about it. I just wish it wasn’t an issue. It’s a bit too late to try and fix it now because I’ll have singing lessons and soon rehearsals every week and yeah if it doesn’t work or they block again it could just be worse. It makes me really miserable, I wish I could freeze time and feel secure that they’ll stay unblocked but they just don’t… Even like I swear I was rinsing them out regularly and they were still getting blocked.


I have my qualms about feminism, but I honestly struggle to see how most of these signs are relevant. They come off as self-absorbed, at least. I’m sure feminism has/does do a lot of good… Would you be safe from your employer treating you unfairly without feminists standing up for women? Don’t you want there to be shelters for the women and children who are victims of domestic violence (make some shelters for men too if you want)? You’re not worried about the women being attacked practically every minute in South Africa?

Saying you’re “anti-feminist” brings to mind frightening anti-women connotations, as this is the definition of feminism…
“the advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.”
You don’t think women in Saudi Arabia should be allowed to drive? Vote? Surely they’re equal to men in their intelligence and capableness as a grown human being.
So, by saying they should be able to, you’d be advocating for women’s rights because the sexes are equal.

This is what I said on Facebook (which is more like a redux of my blog posts… Redux isn’t the right word but it’s as good as I got right now, okay?)

I think it’s hard to grasp what these women really mean because there’s no context, no idea of what they’re thinking and why. #3 and #10 come off as slut shaming and victim blaming / rape apology, and that is scary-awful to me! I think I can relate to #5 and #11 the most, because I like to think for myself and don’t want to be defined by others – there ARE genocidal feminists that I don’t want to remotely associate with, but you can certainly be a feminist and abhor that and I think that’s what more women need to express. There is a lot of language in feminism as a political movement that I feel belittles men, but I don’t see how that equates to #14 at all… Statistically women are subject to discrimination & violence, and what about our sisters in other countries? Maybe we need to separate the divisive political movement and the act of supporting women in our lives before we say we’re “anti-feminist”.

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