I’m so mentally ill.
Interacting with people today was like a sick nightmare of inadequacy and apathy.
I had like a very subdued panic attack earlier today when I was getting dressed and nothing was fitting right and later I had to change my socks because they were wrong.
I just felt really uncomfortable and panicky about what to wear.
I’d slept in my clothes last night so I had these deep red lines in my skin from all my clothes digging in and I just really wanted to be braless but I couldn’t get anything to work.
And I’m so fucking cold.
I still can’t wrap my head around the winter dressing, like I refuse to wear more than a baseball shirt, sweater and track pants (and scarf!) because it just doesn’t make sense.
No one should have to wear more clothes than that.
And I try to think, what don’t I like about my life, what are things that I want, what can I do.
I feel like buying lots of vitamins and ingredients to make body scrubs and hair treatments…
Inevitably thinking about spending money to make yourself feel better means thinking about money – and that is just painful, I can’t bring myself to look for jobs or do anything.
Anyway, I have no room for new things.
I literally would not have room for a jar of coconut oil, if I did it would get pushed around and covered up by so much crap in such a short amount of time I would never use it – and because I live with a parent, sure it’s my crap but I’m not always the one putting it there.
I’m just sooo… hating myself lately.
I don’t see the point of doing anything because I’m like this worthless self sabotaging sack of shit with no talent and no confidence anymore.