I feel so shit this year.
I started January lonely and tired.
I started February by putting my neck out, and then had to deal with this annoying pseudo-relationship.
This month I’m just fucking sick of everything.
I just want to feel well, I don’t want to have headaches or a stuffy nose all the time.
Then maybe I can address my complete apathy and emotional struggle with day to day activities, instead of the physical struggle of trying not to sneeze while you pee.
And I think I’m pretty fucking articulate, yet my cousin doesn’t seem to understand a word I’m saying but I know she has trouble breaking out of her preconceived ideas of what people think and that does not bode well for a writer/artist/activist. Or maybe I’m the ignoramus here. I don’t think so, I’m getting all the ‘likes’.
I always feel lost and frustrated with everything around me.
I know I’m antisocial but I feel neglected. I feel like I’ve tried or maybe I only have in my head but it’s like no one knows I exist and no one thinks to spend time with me. And the person I made the effort to spend time with lately unfriended me. Like, really, I didn’t dance at your party enough? I didn’t talk to you and all your friends enough? I didn’t drink fucking enough? Now I’m friends with most of her friends on Facebook and not her and it’s just weird.
I just want to have a normal life where I enjoy spending time with people and I feel capable of going to work or uni.
And it’s so much easier to socialise with people when you drink, isn’t it? It’s a big fat invitation, come drink with me, come buy me a drink! Well, alcohol makes me need to pee and seemingly does nothing else for me and mostly tastes terrible. So there.
I think about getting pregnant a lot, because I’m alone and lack purpose, and all the things people say are reasons to postpone having children like career and travel and independence are things I just don’t think I’ll have anyway… but with the lack of men in my social circle, my crippling fear of intimacy, and the governments unwillingness to give a baby to a responsible couple let alone an unemployed single teenager, I don’t see that happening.

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