Since I started receiving an income, I’ve built my life around continuing that.
Tafe courses I don’t want to do, jobs I never really wanted to have, to continue to gain money I don’t feel I deserve and that I don’t put to much use.
And I’ve been left with this feeling of having no time and being under a lot of stress.
I can’t focus on anything, things that I really need like getting my license or cleaning my room.
Yes, cleaning my room is that big of a deal; every single day of almost every single year of my life has been marred by all these things surrounding me with no homes, getting in my way and not being there when I need them.
I’ve just spent 2 hours in my bedroom staring desperately, trying to figure out what to do.
I’ve spent 2 years (more like 12) of my life in dire need of autonomy.
And I can complain that no one helps me, but whatever… Then again I can also worry that still no one will help me if I make this decision and I won’t be able to do it alone.
I’ll regress to motivationless sloth.
But when my contract expires at work, I’m starting to think I should decline any offer to continue and tell centrelink to blow it out their arse.
Or else keep living a life where I’m scrambling to do things, major things, at 10 o’clock in the evening.
Why should an 18 year old be thinking things like “I just can’t get the time back”!?
Ah, my hyperbole makes me cry.

When I’m at work, I’m usually very content, no matter how crap I felt before starting that day.
It’s a fast paced job, but it’s a repetitive task that is quite soothing so you don’t really get to dwell on the negatives too much, and most of my customers are pleasant.
I’ve probably only felt stressed half a dozen times since I’ve started and only fucked up once – yay.
But outside of work, there’s definitely a toll… My feet aren’t so sore but my joints seem like their imploding (ok ok just my wrist and knee), there’s tension in my jaw, I can’t crack my back enough, I seem to get a headache whenever I’m off work, and I still can’t find an answer to when I’ll study for my license in between all this aching and laundering and still wondering when I’ll shave my legs.
Admittedly I spend a lot of time watching tv, but in my fragile physical and mental state I find it hard to do much else *blinks eyes*
(and dad often puts on my DVDs for me and if I say no he probably thinks I’m being sullen and then I just feel bored and left out anyway)
Oh and all the nose blowing!!!! Dear god!! Everyone knows the first step to tidying is to pick up all the tissues, well I was back at square one every five minutes.. And those five minutes were spent blowing my nose.
And zits. Where are these zits coming from. Stop now please.
And my poor scratched broken nailed hands.
*sigh* but yeah it’s a dilemma… Like my job, not feeling very well and needing to focus on other things.
If I say I want to leave (when my contracts up) will I be able to get the job back later? Will I find another job? Because I’ve enjoyed working there more than I thought I would, that’s also making me scared to look for other work now in case I don’t like it.
Would I feel reassured if either of my parents were employed….
Do I just need to manage the time I have better? I’m trying! I don’t want to live off a schedule, and you can’t schedule things you don’t think you have the ability to do, and what about free time?
I rarely take my free time in the mornings because I don’t like mornings, I feel sick in the mornings, and I will spend all morning getting ready for work and be ready half an hour prior no matter what time I woke up or work starts, I think I’d rather get some friggin sleep.
I’m just procrastinating right now, I’m on the toilet not doing anything.


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