I feel abnormal.
I feel anxious, I can’t sleep.
I’m suddenly realising I spend every minute of every day entirely self conscious and insecure.
Or maybe I’m just making that up.
I worry about how fat my thighs look when I’m sitting down even when I’m alone or with family.
I feel uncomfortable around other people, I don’t want them to see me do basically anything.
I don’t like cleaning or exercising or listening to music or watching tv or moving when other people are around, even dad… Unless guests are over then I clean so I don’t have to sit around or talk to them or something.
I’ve been like this for 8 years or more.
I hate when people see me unshowered or in my pyjamas so I pretend to be asleep or playing on my phone so they ignore me, but I like having my pyjama days damn it so it’s your fucking fault you came into my house.
I felt uncomfortable sitting in my front yard reading yesterday because it was outside the window of a room my dad was in – and I also wanted to read out loud but didn’t have the guts.
It’s Thursday night.
My audition is Sunday afternoon.
I have never read the whole of my monologue aloud.
I am so fucking mad with myself and the situation.
I’ve been feeling bad so I haven’t been setting an alarm so I can sleep in, but that means my days are basically get up eat shower then I have time for 1 activity and then oh it’s time for Doctor Who!
A lot of the time now I don’t even want to watch doctor who or play Diablo 3 because I’m so stressed with other things I should be doing but dad wants to and it makes me feel guilty… I can’t just tell him to shut up and that he’s not allowed to watch tv.
Anyway all this neurotic insecurity and wanting to be alone and what am I? An actress/model. Ha.
07 Nov 2013 Leave a comment
I feel abnormal.