Is this normal?

Just… Thinking about killing myself again.
I won’t, I’ll just sit here and feel like crap.
My body is inadequate, it’s broken, and to have that on top of my attitude problems, laziness, total apathy, just makes life not worth living.
There’s just nothing I can do, I can’t see myself living a happy life or even living at all.
Okay, I don’t have cancer or aids or one of those crippling diseases with more complicated names.
But I can’t be a model with my itchy spotted skin and purple toes, I can’t even have a normal job if I’m constantly blowing my nose and sneezing and I can’t see any way around this when you’re generally not supposed to use antihistamines and such for more than 3 days and when I did take them everyday I still felt like shit.
What do I have to look forward to and how will I even survive?
I can’t raise children of my own or even babysit my niece with a tissue stuck up my nose, I had a toddler jumping up on me at a birthday party once when I was blowing my nose like all the time and what if that kid actually depended on me…
If I could have one thing it would be perfect health.
Again, not dying, but I feel unwell, I often look unwell, it hinders the things I would like to do on a daily basis.
Never mind the fact that right now I’m having suicidal thoughts and feel depressed and anxious more often than not.
I am not healthy.
I guess I really need to see a doctor but I’ll just cry and they won’t have a solution anyway or take it seriously.
And/or the money. All the money. I have no money. Money can’t buy me love but I don’t need it to, it can just buy me happiness.
I must be feeling the worst I have in a while because I actually googled. ‘I tink I should die’.
I know I should go to the doctors.
But I’d rather die.
Well I’d rather be healthy but I’m so sure no one can help me and it’d be more effort so
I think I should just die.
And now I’m crying on the toilet so I don’t know if that means I really want to live and don’t know how to go about it or I really want to die and don’t know how to go about it.
Regarding the title of this post… I also googled “are suicidal thoughts normal” because sometimes I honestly think everyone else finds their lives equally shit and just keep living for god knows what reason, or their lives are so mundane and they just haven’t noticed.
I know the way forward is to set lots of little goals, but that’s still living without the real drive and the positive feelings, it’s just soldiering on and hoping you’ll fake your way to happiness and I still think that’s kinda shit.
My goal right now is… Change my pillow case (tick) and brush my teeth.
And go to bed without talking to my mother.

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