hey, wordpress, i fucking love how on the rare occasions i use you on my computer i have to log in from scratch even though the ‘remember me’ box is ticked.
(also, how the hell do you pick what’s an ‘aside’ and what isn’t because i certainly didn’t!?)
yeah.
i’m pretty ticked too.
i’m so fucking ticked, not really at you wordpress you’re not that important, and like that deep fucking frustrated sadness, that i can’t imagine anything making me happy right now.
i can’t pick a thing to do, i went to put skyrim in my playstation and just sat on the floor for 5 minutes staring at the wall.
because anything i do won’t make me less upset, it might make me more upset, or rather make me upset with everything.
i can’t even really explain why i’m upset.
well, i decided to unenroll from my tafe course.
i have not done any of it, i have no motivation to do any of it (except for maybe the playing around with microsoft office but i wouldn’t even know how to find that part of the course with how its going…) and theres only like 2 months yet because of school and december holidays.
so, i want to give up.
i thought, well, centrelink will cut me off… i don’t need 200 dollars a fortnight but i do need something because eventually my phone bill will eat into my savings.
i don’t see the point in continuing youth allowance as a job seeker, i can’t get a job, i can’t get TO a job, and i’m not sure if i really want a job…. going to a work skill place every monday or whatever will probably  just waste everyones time, unless they’re going to teach me how to drive and buy me a car.
all these squiggly red lines are driving me crazy just because i’m not capitalising things like jesus christ…. that’s an exclamation, not a comparison.
anyway.
and then my dad had to bring up NIDA doing workshops in Adelaide…. great….
but then he said centrelink wouldn’t give me money for that anyway and duh that’s not what it’s about.
not that there are any courses at all available for the last 3 months of the year!!
so, NIDA workshops, next weekend… some of my friends from local drama workshops are going, but it costs $260 and it would be a last minute decision… i don’t know if i can even trust my dad to take me.
and i just don’t have the guts – i’m really upset i’ve been brought into all this so late, i’m only 18 (actually, 17 for two more weeks) but that’s technically an adult and i’m now expected to enter dramatic arts as an adult and i’m not ready…. it’s intimidating, i want to go do the fun school holiday courses with the kiddies…
what the fuck happened to being a child.
and this is all really ironic when my friend did my cards last night and it was all about enjoying your youth and not worrying about the future.
i mean, that’s what i was trying to do by quitting the tafe course.
oh yeah, back to that, so i couldn’t log into the website!!! i probably used an old pin or something, though when i eventually remembered to try other pins none of them worked either… or they’d already locked me out for trying too many times, which i received no warning about.
so, my web access is disabled and i’m not sure if that’s because of that or because of something else.
i’ll try again tomorrow but it just makes me feel like giving up on giving up and just ignoring the situation.
but what happens if the course ends, i’ve done no work at all so probably ‘failed’, but the whole time i’ve been receiving youth allowance?
i just feel like i’ve got no options… it’d almost feel like going backwards now to do that womens ed course in the new year, which has miraculously reappeared on the website with a new curriculum i suppose…. but it’s sort of specifically for people who haven’t studied before and i’ve already completed a tafe course.
speaking of THAT, by the way, i had some things to return (like the uniform) which i was going to do when i picked up my certificate but they’ve never contacted me to say it’s there! did I complete a tafe course or not… so I’m too lazy or self conscious to drop in and ask them about it, and at this point I might as well wait for when they contact me to pick up my work… if they ever get around to that.
i just feel so empty.
i mean, i should be happy because i competed in a mini-eisteddfod yesterday and did very well, i even won $50!
but i’m just too tired and overstressed to feel so happy once the moment passes.
i don’t feel so bad now, but i still don’t feel like doing anything.
maybe working out but i don’t like doing that around other people, and i’m blowing my nose constantly and might have a headache… yippee…
my life is still so limited and i don’t know how to break free.
i really want to do more modelling, i think of that as my ‘work’, i take it seriously…. but i just can’t get out there, i can’t go into the city all the time, and when i do i’m like babysat by my parents.
turning 18 will open up more opportunities, but they’re just more opportunities for me to miss out on.
sometimes i think i should just find someone really rich to marry even if i don’t like them, which is pretty shameful… lol.
and not spend any time with them, of course, just live in their mansion and raise adorable children.

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