my life is broken

i started an online course a month ago and have done none of it and i don’t want to.
i only want to so i a) continue to get paid and b) accomplish something.
but i have little interest in it and only picked it because it was this or financial services (i hate maths)… and see a and b.

i’ll have to suck it up and do it, or drop out and get cut off.
i have no job, no car, i can’t drive.
so my life has reached this point of incredible shitness where i just feel negative about everything.
why learn to drive now, it’s pointless.
think of all the opportunities i would have taken if i’d gotten my license years ago like everybody else.
i don’t know how to take public transport… it’s a long way to anywhere interesting.

it’s a bit harder when your parents are unemployed and broke too.
i just feel so fucking worthless and i don’t want to be living if i have to do any of this shit.
when i’m not worrying about these things i am actually happy.
i’m happy to look nice and go for walks and clean the house and watch tv and play games and eat.
my only other interests at the moment are theatre and modelling.
i just can’t escape these decisions though, my interests and lazy days send me back into panicking about what i’m doing with my life and everything i’m missing out on.
i’m 18, all my friends are graduating and going to university!
which makes the things i’m happy doing seem stupid, and the things i actually would love to pursue (stardom, obviously) seem stupid too because i have no confidence in silly dreams and i just can’t fucking deal with anything.

i’m just so scared. i’m the kind of person that buys chocolate icecream then thinks “fuck, i wanted vanilla”… i don’t want to pay for an education i won’t appereciate!

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