a little bit of mind vomit

sometimes i feel confused about… emotions.
what to say to people, if everythings all fake.
maybe i just don’t know how to express myself.
i have to choose my words so carefully, it just feels meaningless.
so i end up not saying a lot.
but obviously, i have a lot of feels, as evidenced here.
but every word i pick (and this is not a well picked word) inflates what i’m feeling.
fucking, bullshit, suffocating, dying, broken.

i get scared i’m some… misanthrope sociopath.
but i do care about every single person i know, even some i don’t really know at all.
i call everyone my friend, but i have none.
all these things people post on facebook about their cousins and to me, as much as i supposedly love them, cousins are… nothing.
nothing will take them away from me, but they’re never here with me.
and as always, people i wish i was closer to, i’m not.
i want to be loved and appreciated and do new things with new people, to be nurtured and to grow.
i feel overlooked by everybody, but i don’t reach out… i can’t bear it.

sigh, this isn’t really anything to worry about i guess.
i do think about it sometimes… i’m a bit paranoid.
it’s almost a continuation from ‘crying on the kitchen floor’ because these feelings are… inspired…. by the same friend of mine.
i just struggle to believe her, i mean i wouldn’t want to believe someone was treated so badly.
and i certainly never doubted the person close to me that was abused, and hated the people that did.
so i’d never say anything.. but i don’t know how to offer any support either.

and all my clothes feel damp, whats up with that?


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