i feel so not happy right now

my breathing is like hhhh*sigh*…. hhh*sigh*….
I can’t handle the things I thought I wanted… like I want so badly a lead role in a musical and to focus on my acting, but I never practice and the thought of auditions make me feel sick.
The whole thing is making me feel sick and it’s like all my confidence I thought I had is gone and I don’t want to do anything, I don’t even want to be in the chorus.
I feel negative about everyone and everything, all involved.
It’s just the wrong time, wrong part, I’m not a soprano… I wanted to audition last year but my ears were blocked… I WAS DEAF. I was dizzy and couldn ‘t tell if I was hitting any notes so I just stayed home.
And I missed out on an audition experience I would’ve felt somewhat comfortable in, in my vocal range, and now I just can ‘t fathom this…
What if I can’t hear again?
I just want to stay home forever and never leave the house.
T-T

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