I feel a big negative stressness

I don’t know how to put into words what I feel and I probably shouldn’t.

But it really sucks when people in a position of ‘superiority’ are both judging your attitudes and trying to impose their attitudes onto you, not realising that their attitudes are equally if not more offensive to you. It’s a two-way street.

I feel that relentlessly interrupting a person to correct them for some manners faux pas they are completely unaware of, on the behalf of someone else who has made no complaint, is much ruder than the minor impoliteness and makes me want to throw around words like fascism.

And accusing people of feeling or talking a certain way is just completely ridiculous and I would think it’s the type of thing bosses and educators today would be taught to avoid, like a therapist or counsellor.

I can feel you are rude to me but you cannot say I am being flippant (really!?) or feeling angry *at you*.

At that moment I felt like everything I said, this person was going to be dissatisfied with.
I didn’t want to explain myself to her and I don’t think she would have liked it any more if I did, but ultimately I just want to get on with my work.

I don’t want to learn from you, I don’t want your screwy old values and attitudes to be a part of me, you are not personally there to make me grow as an individual, that is my job and I am satisfied in myself.

So I guess because I feel this way, and it is a two-way street, I should not put this on my evaluation, but I am disappointed in the behaviour of this person.

i am so stifled

I have no space in my own home, it’s now definitely no better than anything I’ve had before.
I can’t deal with my bedroom, today my dvds fell behind my television and they are practically irretrievable. I will not get them back until I move.
I still can’t get the storage I want/need and I struggle to utilise what I have.
I’m in a tiny tiny space and whats more it’s not even secure as my own, I don’t feel comfortable in here and I don’t want to be in here.
What’s more, my suspicions were confirmed when my dad asked me if I was okay when I was trying to read my oracle because “I was shut up in my bedroom” – it is weird for me to be in here, it seems antisocial because me and all my things are in the living room with him 90% of the time.
I really do like spending time with him, and I know he’s lonely without me, but I don’t want to sing or dance or anything other than stare at the tv while he’s in the house. And he’s always in the house. I used to get 8+ hours alone a day, then 1 or 2, now it’s nothing.
I wanted my car to be my personal space but a certain someone took it back.

I need the time and space and comfort to fulfill my desires at my whim.
I hate being dependant on others because I can’t even get or won’t ask for what I need from them.
I’m always thinking if I was on my own, I’d stop for a drink because I’m thirsty, walk around barefoot because my feet hurt, and I’d go to kfc if I want to but more importantly I’d have food in the house I actually want to eat.
I’m starting to feel trapped AND lost at the same time, because my course is ending and I have no idea what I’ll do next, but we’ll probably be staying in the same town for at least another year, there are things I want to do here, and why waste money moving into a different house… So I am stuck in more ways than one.
AND… I’m fucking COLD. Why the fuck should I be freezing all the time? I hate this, I don’t know what to do. Put more fucking clothes on.

I started up my old computer last night.
And I wondered why the heck I bought a new one because I couldn’t really find anything wrong with it.
I opened OneNote which is where I used to do all my schoolwork and keep various files.
It was surprisingly well organised and filled with things, and it was kinda upsetting to see how determined I was yet my life didn’t improve at all.
The things I wanted when I was 14 I never got, never did, some are still things I want today.

quit puffing your feathers out… calm your farm…

I don’t understand why people brag about their negative qualities.
It doesn’t make you sound tough, it doesn’t make you likeable, it makes you seem like a complete tool.

Women posting slogans about how they’re proud to be a bitch, bitch is a good thing, blah blah blah… If I call you a bitch it means you’re a useless person with no compassion for others. Don’t own that. Be a strong woman if you’re a strong woman, not a bitch.

And the misuse of the word mean….  “I’ll be mean if I have to”, “don’t make me be mean”… what a pathetic attitude, if you really are mean it’s your own choice, no one is “making you the bad guy”!
If you are going to be capable, responsible, strict or even stern, okay, but never be mean.
A mean person is not helpful to me, a mean person is not a person I’d like to work with.
Never think of mean as a good thing to be for anyone.

I’ve started doing some modelling with some lovely young photographers.
Typically the idea is that the model is the tool of the photographer, who is the creative force, isn’t it?
But I feel strong creative ideas, I want to design my own shoots – I wish I could be the model and photographer, to see all the photos and chose them and edit them.
But I can’t be in two places at once, so if I did do that, the photographer would be reduced to a tool that holds the camera and presses the button.
As it is I did enjoy a great collaborative, easy, fun shoot with a talented photographer yesterday.