I’ve already posted today but that was really a nothing post, you know?
I’m just feeling depressed right now and I need to.. do something about it.
This might make me feel worse, but maybe getting it out here will make it easier to sleep without dwelling on things.
I’ve spent the last hour looking up ‘Facebook depresses me’ and ‘Facebook depression’ on Google.
I was already feeling a bit frustrated and stressed because of my stupid video game, and forcing myself to watch NCIS when I didn’t want to, and probably just a bunch of other little things.
It’s generally tense with all the stuff always going on here anyway.
My sister came home and said there was this horrible FB page made by kids from the local school trashing my sisters friend and generally being nasty.
So my sisters friend made a page hating that page, but was also against bullying in general.
I looked through the friends and liker or whatever, and counted 12 I felt had contributed to bullying me in some way, INCLUDING my sisters friend!
It’s only wrong when it happens to you or someone you like, huh?
I guess they just didn’t know what they were doing.
We used to be in the same class, and she and her friends did stuff like cornering me in P.E and asking me personal questions, telling me people *liked* me when they didn’t.
I didn’t fall for it, but I tended to slip up and say too much when I should’ve ignored them just because it was such a sudden attack! =/
Anyway, so I was thinking about all of that crap.
Then I was looking through my list of ‘recommended friends’ and ‘friends of friends’.
And I just saw a bunch of people I disliked – that I felt hurt by, that had hurt friends or family, or that I had heard bad things about.
Few names made me smile, and if they did it was in a sad way like ‘why arent we friends’, or ‘I wish things went differently’.
I mean, the real smiles were actually for people I BARELY knew, that I had just heard good things about or heard or seen them do something funny or nice.
Sometimes Mum suggests moving to a different area of SA, or a different state.
I kinda like the idea, but then I think “but these people I’m friends with on FB that I could be REAL friends with I’ll never see!”
But, I’m NOT real friends with them, and why should that change soon?
I get too scared to try, atleast not more than once, why can’t they try? because they already have friends, I doubt they actively seek more 😦
I mean, there are those two sisters I like that I actually hang out with sometimes, but I haven’t seen them in like two months and I’m getting scared and depressed and too nervous to try much.
I WANT to see them atleast once a month.
I keep thinking “I’ll ask them this weekend”, but my life (well, I dont really have one, but the lives of those around me) is so busy lately (not that *I* have anything to do).
The idea of moving away is looking pretty friendly right now in any case – the idea of deleting my old friends or FB all together, and never seeing the names, faces or comments of all those dislikable people!
I just want to get rid of all these memories.
If I didn’t have FB, and be constantly confronted with my ‘friends’ existances, I might not even think about them, or want to spend time with them.
I won’t get jealous, or sad, or lonely, because theres no reason.
I’m probably less lonely not thinking about the rest of the world!
I’ve lived without Facebook before.
But I just don’t know if I can do it.
If I did, I might just make another account, but only with people I REALLY like, and with no information about myself -.-
All I know is that my experiences with other kids, and sometimes the internet, (and the knowledge of my sisters experiences), has left me bitter, anxious, antisocial, introverted, distrustful and paranoid.
But I feel thats all with good reason, is it a bad thing I have a sense of self preservation?
I mean, I’m not paranoid, because they obviously ARE out to get me!
I just don’t want anymore bad thoughts.
I don’t want to get teary while I try and fall asleep anymore.