I feel oddly alone.

That might be because I’m the only one in the house >>; lol

But, what I really mean is, I feel like I’ve been strangely ‘alone’ for most of my life.
Since I stopped going to school after 1 year when I was 7, my Mum has always said “we’re homeschooled” or “we’re unschooled” but I really don’t feel like I have been.
(don’t know what unschooling is?  http://www.sandradodd.com/unschooling)
I feel ‘unschooled’, but not in the way it should feel.
I mean, my memories probably aren’t accurate, and I’m probably taking how I feel now, or how I felt when Mum was working, and applying it to the past…
But I feel like I was just sort’ve left alone, that I was raised by myself… and the computer, and the television, and the sega or the playstation.
For my first 10 or 11 years of life, I was always home with my mother, she was always there, but I don’t feel like she’s taught me anything or really helped me learn.
I’ve learned by myself, and I feel, and I think that I act and have the understanding of an ‘educated’ person, but at the same time I don’t feel like I am… because I’m not.
And I’m confused.

And now, this year, when I’ve actually been trying to homeschool properly, I feel like I’m mostly doing it by myself, even though currently I’m doing nothing and have no motivation, I keep trying to get the motivation back, and I try talking to her about it – but it’s just like, whatever she says is the opposite of what I want.
We don’t work the same… she likes to just charge things head on, “if you want to do something do it, don’t complain about it”, but I try to think about things as much as possible.
I feel like she’s aggressive and maybe frustrated or angry with me, it’s like she’s always like “stop whining” – I’m not whining, I’m trying to understand what I’m supposed to do!
And I just get stressed so easily, and feel so pressured… pressured by WHAT?

She’s gets surprised that I’m just always Googling things every day, because I’m curious, because I want to know things, and she gets surprised when I have proper conversations about things with people – and I know it’s like a proud kind of surprise feeling…
Like, she knows me better than most people know their children, which is great, but shouldn’t she NOT be surprised anymore?
Why IS she surprised?

I just so often feel like everyone sees me as the same person I was years ago, before I became a teenager.
I don’t have temper tantrums anymore, I used to try to hit people when I was a kid and I don’t think I’ve tried to hurt my mother for 5 years now.
I was getting really good at not-swearing when I was like 11, but no body believed me, because they didn’t pay attention… then I went back to school and the not-swearing thing kinda went out the window =/
And I don’t know whether I’ve whined about this before, but I always feel like my older siblings (especially my sisters) belittle me – they act like because my opinions MIGHT change later, they don’t matter now.
Um, yes, yes they do. Because I still have feelings. And I still have thoughts. And you did when you were my age, and I’m sure that not all of your feelings and thoughts have changed now!

I don’t really want my parents to come home.
I don’t want them to come home, and interrupt me typing (and occasionally crying).
I don’t want them to be concerned, their concern is annoying, I’m a bit busy here.
Although if they come home now it’ll still be early enough for me to have a shower because I was too scared to while they were out, lol.

I’d like to work through all of the internet pages I have open so I can actually turn my computer off tonight instead of just closing the lid (tis a laptop).
So I guess I should shut up now.

I just… really wish, that I had been homeschooled properly when I was younger, although the things I would’ve done probably wouldn’t have been much different from things I do anyway – read a book, have an opinion about it, do some art and crafts, go outside.
It just seems so much simpler, like these are things I do now but I don’t feel like it counts as work now, I feel like it would’ve when I was a kid… but eventually I’d still have to get up to this shitty part now.
I’m always imagining how I’d like to raise MY kids, how I’d like to homeschool them, things I’d like them to do…
I shouldn’t be thinking about that stuff now, and the reason why I do is because it’s stuff I wish I’d had, and it’s stuff I still wish I had and stuff I’d like to do NOW.

It’s like earlier this year when I got depressed because I had no toys, and I made Mum buy me Beados and Magic Fabric.
But now I want the educational aspect of childhood, which is probably why I spent a whole half of the other day talking about pc games I used to have – I guess I can’t really say that I DIDN’T have the educational aspect of childhood… I did do a lot of the things I would have my own children do, and that I want to do now.
But I’m too old to play with Fatty Bear, just like I’m too old to play with Magic Fabric, which is now sitting in my cupboard somewhere with half of the designs used up.

Although now I totally want to play with some Magic Fabric 😮 I just don’t have anywhere to put all the stupid things I make with it.

What was I complaining about again?

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. jelzmar
    Mar 10, 2011 @ 05:03:27

    I’ve always wanted to meet someone who was unschooled and see how well they wrote. Which, by the way, is a lot better than I did when I was a teenager. I don’t know how your mother taught you to read and write, whether it was a transitional lines of letters and then words, or if she just let you figure it out on your own. I went through public schools and I lost my desire to learn things as well.

    I want to homeschool my children and have done a lot of research on it. I saw your post on sewing, and that was one of the things I want to do with my children. I have to teach myself to sew first, because that wasn’t something I was able to learn in school. (You are never too old for arts and crafts.)

    What is it that you feel that you didn’t learn, or that you would like to learn about?

    I’ve always wanted to learn a lot of foreign languages. I took three years of German in highschool. I don’t remember any of it. So I’m trying this http://en.lernu.net/ Which I tried to teach myself years ago, but lost motivation.

    I felt a lot more alone in school surrounded by people, that I never talked to. Than I do now, that I spend most of my time on the internet talking to people here.

    Reply

    • homeschooledjunglefreak
      Mar 14, 2011 @ 18:55:47

      I haven’t been unschooled/homeschooled my entire life, I did do the first year of school, like prep/primary, but I could read by then.
      (And then later the awful highschool years, as mention here and there)
      I’ve always been interested in reading, and I can’t remember really how I was taught, it must’ve been very young.
      But in my writing and spelling I’ve certainly come a long way since when I was about 7 and I was choking and I wrote on some paper; “WORTLE, TERE IS A PEECES OF FOOD STOOCKY IN MY SHOOTY”… shooty = throat.

      Homeschooling can save a lot of stress and heartache (from your children, but maybe not from you! haha. oh no, I shouldn’t discourage you.)
      I am enjoying sewing, and it’s very easy to learn!
      I haven’t yet done any proper machine sewing yet, but hand sewing is really fun, but relaxing because you can do it while watching tv or listening to music.
      Oh, have you seen my Mums blog? she’s commented on a couple of things – on here she’s “the real mother” or something.
      She mostly does sewing posts, her latest quilt was… interesting to say the least (“I can’t be bothered”)

      I’m interested in so many things, but not always enough to want to LEARN it.
      I don’t feel (right now, as opposed to the moodyness of this blog post) like I haven’t learnt anything I wanted to, I just wish I had more time to enjoy all of this, and that I could maybe go back and do things again, or for longer.
      My basic plan for the rest of my homeschooling is English, and then like arts/crafts/design, the odd bit of science and some obligatory maths.
      I’m sure there are other things I want to do but I can’t think of it right now.

      I did Indonesian for a term at school, and I’ve tried learning Italian and Japanese, briefly, and I have those and a German book on my desk, but I haven’t looked through them in a long time.
      I was looking at Australian Sign Language for a while. I might pick up languages later, look through my books again, because it’s always impressive (lol) to be able to speak a foreign language.

      Honestly, I think I feel the LEAST alone when I’m just kicking around the house with my Mum – not thinking at all that there might be other people somewhere!
      A bit unrelated, but something I hate is the completely WRONG things they say to try to make kids go to school… like “preparing for the workplace”, “learning to get along with people your own age”, because it’s more of an important skill to get along with people who AREN’T like you, and you won’t be working with people your own age, let alone 13 year olds (which was my age when I tried school), when you are in the workplace!

      Reply

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