No, I Do Not Have Self Control, And I’m Not A Good Person

If someone else is having junk food, I’ll want some, even if I’m not hungry.
If food is there, I’ll eat it.
That’s all of course with the exception of stuff I don’t like, which is a lot, but sometimes I’ll eat what I don’t really like or want because it’s there.
If McDonald’s was still around the corner, instead of 3 km away, I’d eat there all the time, because it’s easy.
At the moment I’m hungry, but I’m so distracted with the computer and I don’t know what to eat, so I haven’t eaten yet.
Mum’s watching a movie I was interested in, but I’m so sucked into WordPress I wouldn’t go watch it.
I just got pissed because she watched it without me.

I find it very hard not to scratch or squeeze any pimples or blackheads I have.
It normally happens when I’ve been having a lazy pyjama day, and when I go to have a shower I get obsessed with mutilating my poor, beautiful face.
Like, no matter how good it’s looking, I’ll find something to squeeze.
Then I’ll scrub my face like mad and wash it thoroughly and repeatedly, trying to look good again.
But if I didn’t do this, I’d look so much better… It’s just because I get so angry.
Maybe it’s actually self mutilation, because I hate myself.

I find it hard to avoid confrontation – sometimes I just get really pigheaded and attack people.
I mean, I’m normally not like this in real life, but on the Internet it’s so easy because you’re not really you – and I hate that, the people that attack others on the internet are cowards, and ignorant, and even though it doesn’t really make sense I always want to say ‘you have no right to insult other people’, because people shouldn’t.
And, I’m not abusive, I don’t just insult people, I just find it hard not to be kinda aggressive.
Like, I couldn’t find any good blogs to read, so I clicked on some crazy american christian and started harrassing him.

I always say I’m going to do things, or I plan things, but never get around to it.
I’m supposed to do the dishes, but I probably won’t do that until the last minute, after I’ve showered this arvo.
I was going to shower this morning and go shopping but Mum doesn’t feel well.
We have a house inspection tomorrow, I think, and we’ve done nothing, and my sister hasn’t been home once to clean her room.
My Mum just doesn’t feel well ever, she has all kinds of problems, and she shouldn’t have to do any of this shit, but at the same time she doesn’t do enough – maybe I have to become the mother, and do all the housework, and cook dinner… but I don’t know HOW to yet.

I have all of these ideas, and I never do anything with them… I feel like I’m throwing away my creativity, but I’m always thinking of things and it’s too hard to write them all down.
I was supposed to have all of my Persuasion projects complete before my birthday… I turned 15 on the 13th of this month.
My school work just sits there, not that I really have much – I did do a Persuasion project I’m really happy with, but I can’t get into any of the writing and finish my English like I should.
Then I could start something new, and exciting.

And I’m just not happy with anything.
I don’t like living like this.
I’m so confused about everything.
I want to be productive, I want to be healthy, I want to exercise and learn, have a nice home.
Next year I have to get a job, and start saving up money.
At the same time, I contemplate marrying a rich old man so I don’t have to give up my dependence!
Screw womens rights, screw progress, I want to stay home with my fiddly craft projects and my video games!
Part of me is happy sitting around and doing nothing, but I think that’s actually some kind of weird depression.


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